The Goal: Resolve Ambivalence

Some people set goals and accomplish them, no problem. Others have some difficulty and get caught between wanting and not wanting change. If you were ever on the listening end of this kind of dilemma as it’s verbalized, you might find yourself directing the person to “just do” something. “I really want to train more for that marathon.” “Well, why don’t you start longer runs on Saturdays.” “Oh, I can’t, I’m busy with other things on Saturdays.” And so it goes, no matter the suggestion, the answer will be an argument for why it’s not possible. You may begin to feel tension and wonder whether the person really means what she or he says.

People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it. “I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.” “I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.” “I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.” These discrepancies signify ambivalence and create tension. If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, goal setting can be a good test of what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it, potentially resolving the ambivalence.

Order and Testing with Goals

When you decide to set a goal and make a change, you can begin the process by being very clear about what is important to you in the big picture (guiding principles), and then creating the goals that align with those principles.

Order
When goals are written down (specific, measurable, etc.) and thereby made concrete, commitment/action can follow because the goal serves to bring order/structure to your thoughts and behavior. You feel satisfied when you are working toward goals and satisfaction helps you continue on and set new ones. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed, with little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important and what you do. Things start to “flow.”

Testing
Aside from creating this kind of order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important? For example, “My total quality of life and health is important and includes a consistent fitness routine.” An aligned goal might be, “I spend 45 minutes working out at least 4-5 days per week.” If there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort or follow through (difficulty may also mean it’s too challenging to start, could be better written, less vague), it’s time to check in with yourself. Is the goal really something you are committed to and believe most important? If you say yes, and still feel like you “can’t” take an action step, then it’s time to stop and notice what tension may be arising and be “ok” with ambivalence. Ambivalence gets resolved by first, noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then when you are ready, with making the decision to take action or not. The length of time you will “wrestle” with ambivalence varies widely. If you decide not to take action, but still desire to move toward the goal, you simply stick with the tension and return to the process of questioning yourself.

Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario- take action or not. In the meantime, attempting to persuade yourself to do so, or being hard on yourself for your difficulty, will not help you to decide or “move” out of the “wrestling” and ambivalence. Notice the ambivalence in a mindful way, it’s simply information about what’s really important and shows you that you are, indeed, in the process of making change.

Summary

Recognizing tension as part of the change process helps you achieve your goals. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit and re-commit to or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles. And then, act. If you are not ready to act, you go back through the process again, recognizing ambivalence as helpful information in the process that leads to clarity and action. When you feel ambivalent or are “wrestling” with making changes along the way to your goals, be a gentle coach to yourself, and say, “You can do it- if you want to.”