In the last blog post, I discussed how ambivalence is part of the process of making changes in your life. When you may be stuck between wanting and not wanting to do something, it’s important to be mindful of ambivalence and recognize that it’s part of the process of change. The use of goal setting as a tool to help you gently overcome that ambivalence and take action can be helpful.
Let’s say that you are now committed to a goal and taking concrete steps to achieve it. You are moving on your “map” of change. Sometimes, despite being committed, you may notice doubtful thoughts running through your mind. “I don’t know if I can really do this.” “I don’t know if I’ll be ready for that race on time.” “I don’t know if I can keep going with my nutrition plan.” “I don’t think I can finish this run today.”
Self Doubt and Self-Talk Awareness
Self doubt can come and go in the midst of your process of making changes and taking steps toward your training goals. If you notice doubtful thoughts going through your mind and feel tension in your body, you might practice awareness of your self-talk. Notice your thoughts and say to yourself, “Ah, there goes that thought again,” and then replace it with a different and helpful thought. “I can do this.” “I’m preparing the best I can, I am readying.” “I’m doing my best each day with nutrition.” “I am finishing this run.”
Rather than a suggestion to “just be positive,” switching your self-talk statements from doubtful ones to confident and strong ones is a means of managing your thoughts, making them neutral (not positive or negative, just thoughts to be noticed and switched). Paying attention to your thoughts helps you to manage them as well as energy and stress. This process improves your performance and increases your confidence.
Self Talk- Tool to Get to Goal
Now, let me give you an example of how this may play out. I usually run by myself, listening to music and moving as meditation. I get satisfaction in “going away” for a while during a run. Last week, I participated in a fun run at a local running shop with about 200 other runners. I didn’t use headphones, so I was more keenly aware than usual of my thoughts and the people around me. I felt pressure to go faster to “keep up” with others around me even though I didn’t plan to push my pace during this run. I started battling in my head, “I don’t like this,” “I need to push,” “I’m hot, I don’t feel like doing this, I already ran today,” “why am I so slow?” I noticed these thoughts and I countered them. “I am fine, I can do this.” “I am an experienced runner, this is a relatively short run.” I shortened my statements to a couple words and then kept repeating over and over until I felt better and more focused, “fast, fast, fast, short, short, short” (keep moving your feet fast and keep your steps short).
In the moments when I was having doubtful thoughts, my body was tense. When I settled onto my strong words “fast and short,” I felt more ease in the run. I remembered my training goal for the day and stuck to it, despite the difficulty. I kept going despite wanting to stop and not feeling so good during this particular run. I was committed, and when I experienced doubts, I noticed the thoughts and changed them up with intention and high repetition until I calmed again in my mind and body.
Conclusion
Because of my commitment to my training goal for the day, I persisted through the difficulty of self doubt with the tool of self-talk awareness. In a similar way, you can practice being aware of tension and doubtful thoughts that run through your mind when you are working toward your goals, whenever they arise, by being mindful and switching them. Just like goals may help you resolve ambivalence, they motivate you to move through the physical discomfort of training and the mental discomfort of things like self doubt. Discomfort is temporary, your goal accomplishments are forever.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Goal: Resolve Ambivalence
Some people set goals and accomplish them, no problem. Others have some difficulty and get caught between wanting and not wanting change. If you were ever on the listening end of this kind of dilemma as it’s verbalized, you might find yourself directing the person to “just do” something. “I really want to train more for that marathon.” “Well, why don’t you start longer runs on Saturdays.” “Oh, I can’t, I’m busy with other things on Saturdays.” And so it goes, no matter the suggestion, the answer will be an argument for why it’s not possible. You may begin to feel tension and wonder whether the person really means what she or he says.
People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it. “I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.” “I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.” “I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.” These discrepancies signify ambivalence and create tension. If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, goal setting can be a good test of what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it, potentially resolving the ambivalence.
Order and Testing with Goals
When you decide to set a goal and make a change, you can begin the process by being very clear about what is important to you in the big picture (guiding principles), and then creating the goals that align with those principles.
Order
When goals are written down (specific, measurable, etc.) and thereby made concrete, commitment/action can follow because the goal serves to bring order/structure to your thoughts and behavior. You feel satisfied when you are working toward goals and satisfaction helps you continue on and set new ones. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed, with little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important and what you do. Things start to “flow.”
Testing
Aside from creating this kind of order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important? For example, “My total quality of life and health is important and includes a consistent fitness routine.” An aligned goal might be, “I spend 45 minutes working out at least 4-5 days per week.” If there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort or follow through (difficulty may also mean it’s too challenging to start, could be better written, less vague), it’s time to check in with yourself. Is the goal really something you are committed to and believe most important? If you say yes, and still feel like you “can’t” take an action step, then it’s time to stop and notice what tension may be arising and be “ok” with ambivalence. Ambivalence gets resolved by first, noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then when you are ready, with making the decision to take action or not. The length of time you will “wrestle” with ambivalence varies widely. If you decide not to take action, but still desire to move toward the goal, you simply stick with the tension and return to the process of questioning yourself.
Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario- take action or not. In the meantime, attempting to persuade yourself to do so, or being hard on yourself for your difficulty, will not help you to decide or “move” out of the “wrestling” and ambivalence. Notice the ambivalence in a mindful way, it’s simply information about what’s really important and shows you that you are, indeed, in the process of making change.
Summary
Recognizing tension as part of the change process helps you achieve your goals. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit and re-commit to or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles. And then, act. If you are not ready to act, you go back through the process again, recognizing ambivalence as helpful information in the process that leads to clarity and action. When you feel ambivalent or are “wrestling” with making changes along the way to your goals, be a gentle coach to yourself, and say, “You can do it- if you want to.”
People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it. “I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.” “I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.” “I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.” These discrepancies signify ambivalence and create tension. If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, goal setting can be a good test of what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it, potentially resolving the ambivalence.
Order and Testing with Goals
When you decide to set a goal and make a change, you can begin the process by being very clear about what is important to you in the big picture (guiding principles), and then creating the goals that align with those principles.
Order
When goals are written down (specific, measurable, etc.) and thereby made concrete, commitment/action can follow because the goal serves to bring order/structure to your thoughts and behavior. You feel satisfied when you are working toward goals and satisfaction helps you continue on and set new ones. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed, with little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important and what you do. Things start to “flow.”
Testing
Aside from creating this kind of order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important? For example, “My total quality of life and health is important and includes a consistent fitness routine.” An aligned goal might be, “I spend 45 minutes working out at least 4-5 days per week.” If there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort or follow through (difficulty may also mean it’s too challenging to start, could be better written, less vague), it’s time to check in with yourself. Is the goal really something you are committed to and believe most important? If you say yes, and still feel like you “can’t” take an action step, then it’s time to stop and notice what tension may be arising and be “ok” with ambivalence. Ambivalence gets resolved by first, noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then when you are ready, with making the decision to take action or not. The length of time you will “wrestle” with ambivalence varies widely. If you decide not to take action, but still desire to move toward the goal, you simply stick with the tension and return to the process of questioning yourself.
Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario- take action or not. In the meantime, attempting to persuade yourself to do so, or being hard on yourself for your difficulty, will not help you to decide or “move” out of the “wrestling” and ambivalence. Notice the ambivalence in a mindful way, it’s simply information about what’s really important and shows you that you are, indeed, in the process of making change.
Summary
Recognizing tension as part of the change process helps you achieve your goals. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit and re-commit to or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles. And then, act. If you are not ready to act, you go back through the process again, recognizing ambivalence as helpful information in the process that leads to clarity and action. When you feel ambivalent or are “wrestling” with making changes along the way to your goals, be a gentle coach to yourself, and say, “You can do it- if you want to.”
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