Pacing Partners

A few weeks ago, I ran my first 24 hour endurance run, with the goal to cover as much mileage as possible within 24 hours. A few people volunteered to assist me in the process, as my “crew.” As part of this crew, I had help during the night hours in the form of a pacer.

What is a pacer? In the world of ultra running, race registrants may have a crew of people who assist and support them in multiple ways. The Pacer, a special role for a crew member, is a fellow runner who runs with the Racer during portions of the race, usually at night or during more difficult periods of the race. The assistance the Pacer offers can take several forms:
• The actual pace of the run- usually coasts with the Racer in a supportive way, but sometimes speeds up or slows down the Racer
• Acting as a guide- someone familiar with the trail or more alert can assist a weary Racer when he/she may be mentally and physically drained
• Encouragement and coaching- knows how to talk Racer through mental aspects of the race and “rough spots” such as doubt, physical pain, “bonking”
• Just being “present”- acts as a witness/companion, shares the pain and experience making it more enjoyable/bearable for Racer

Effective pacers know when to listen/be quiet and when to talk. They know when to speed up or slow down, when to lead or follow. They know how to get someone to eat and drink when not thirsty or hungry, and how to keep someone going when the desire is to quit. They know how to be encouraging but not pushy and they know that a tired crabby Racer is not something to take personally, it’s part of the race. Pacers know when they need to simply be present to suffering and not try to change it. They share the pain and thereby somehow lessen it.

Pacers know these things partly by good instincts, but optimally, the Racer tells the Pacer as much as possible about how they specifically want assistance before the event. If they wait until during the race, it is more difficult to communicate due to the demands of the running and the mental and physical exertion/exhaustion that is likely to occur. A streamlined procedure between Racer and Pacer can mean the difference between success or quitting- finishing the 100 miles or stopping at 70.

Now, there is a parallel here. In relationships, we all can function as “Pacers.” The key is for both parties to play that supportive pacer role. Let’s apply some of the principles of pacing in running to the context of a relationship. Here are some suggestions:

1. Be mindful about how much each person offers the “pacing.” If both partners are playing the “Pacer” role about equally, then there is likely good support going both ways. In a running event, the pacer role is supposed to be one-sided. It’s all about the runner. In a relationship, it’s helpful to take turns. If the pacer role is always being played by one person, then the “Pacer” is going to get so tired from lack of self-care that they can’t be a good “Pacer” anymore. If one person is always “Pacer” it can be draining, especially if there is no end in sight to the problem being paced.

2. Be explicit about how to handle things before the need arises (pre-conflict briefing). When couples get into a conflict, it’s usually too late to develop a plan for how to handle it. Emotions increase, patterns of interaction take over. So, having a discussion about how to handle conflict before one arises, is a way of assisting each other through the “race.”

3. Be aware that the “Pacer” is not a mind reader, if something is needed, it helps to speak up. Even with an excellent “pre-race briefing,” and even when partners know each other well, sometimes if needs arise that aren’t being met, it is the “Racer’s” responsibility to speak up and let the “Pacer” know, so they can gladly assist.

4. Be aware that the “Pacer” can be supportive, but ultimately can’t run the “race” for the “Racer.” If there is too much reliance on a partner for support, too much leaning, or too much emotional baggage for the “Pacer” to carry, then the “Racer” is placing too much responsibility for the “race” on a partner, and could result in dropping out.

If partners are mindful of these principles of “pacing,” and attempt to balance supportive roles they play with each other, they can more smoothly run the race of life together. Remember:
• Sometimes our partners need us to coast with them, or pick it up or slow it down.
• Sometimes our partners need us to act as a guide, offering a light in the dark when the path gets difficult.
• Sometimes our partners need us to be encouraging and coach-like, helping when “rough spots” appear such as work, family, or health stresses create difficulty.
• Sometimes our partners need us to simply be “present,” acting as a witness to their pain and experience, making it more bearable.

In running races, success is increased when runners and pacers function well together. In relationships, partners that use the ideas of “pacing” can also increase their success rates. Success for partners may include resolving conflicts, increasing understanding, and deeper intimacy. Let’s treat our “Pacing Partners” with the same kind of gratitude that might be felt if we just ran 100 miles, due in part to their assistance.