Have you ever watched a hockey game and noticed how heavy and cumbersome the goalie’s equipment appears? It seems like sweet relief by the end of the game, when the many layers of all of that gear come off. Yes, it’s good for protection, but imagine wearing that equipment all the time, all day long. That would no longer be protective, it would be unhelpful to functioning, to say the least. It seems like people wear a lot of symbolic hockey equipment.
One way to look at stress or emotional weight that people “wear” is to use the analogy of a hockey goalie and the layers of equipment that are worn. There is a reason for all this equipment and clothing. Without the protection they provide, the goalie is vulnerable to other players, their sticks, and the flying puck. In the face of all the aggression that occurs on the ice, the many layers protect against insult and injury.
If we are staying too “protected” with symbolic equipment in our daily lives and in relationships, then we feel heavy and have a hard time functioning well. This may play out in ways of communicating, being less than authentic, feeling stressed, and having difficulty in reaching goals. Putting on a “game face” and being mad, not saying how you really feel, avoiding certain topics for fear of conflict, or saying you want to achieve a certain goal but behaving in incongruent ways can be seemingly automatic and somehow protective. However, being stuck in these kinds of patterns of behavior is probably stressful and doesn’t help in achieving goals or great relationships. We can be mindful of this “equipment” and take it off when it is weighing us down. It may be awkward at first, but gets easier with practice.
Let’s look more closely at the symbolism of the equipment. A hockey goalie wears a mask, a helmet, and a mouth guard, and carries a big stick, wearing skates. By taking these off you will show your true face, let feedback in, speak up, give others points, and stand by your goal without skating away.
The mask serves to protect the goalie’s face and creates a persona that’s somewhat anonymous and intimidating to other players. To be authentic with yourself and others, you’re going to have to take off the symbolic masks you wear to protect your sensitive self underneath. Don’t go along with the crowd because you want to hide the person you really are. Be authentic, take off the “mask,” and show others what you think and feel. For example, if your teammates or family members are making fun of someone, you could skillfully share that you don’t like the remarks, instead of keeping silent or laughing along with them but not really agreeing. Show your true face.
The hockey goalie’s helmet prevents anything from touching or penetrating the head. By taking off this symbolic helmet as you attempt to understand others and yourself, you can open up to others, allowing them to know what you think. If you want to increase your self-understanding, allow others to give you feedback. When you bring your defenses down and accept feedback and suggestions from others, you remove the “helmet.” If someone tells you “You’re a ball-hog,” let that information in and consider what you’ve been doing. If someone notices that you eat poorly even though you say you want to lose weight, remove the “helmet” and let that information sit with you as you decide what it means and what to do about it. Let feedback in.
The mouth guard protects the goalie’s teeth, but it also muffles speech and makes it difficult to understand. In order to communicate effectively with others, you need to take out your symbolic mouth guard. You can’t worry about getting kicked in the teeth – you have to speak up. Speak up in a clear and assertive manner; take out the “mouth guard.” If a parent is yelling at you from the stands during a game, tell him how it makes you feel. Let him know that it distracts you and feels uncomfortable. If a coach is yelling at you/your child in a way that you disagree with, take out the “mouth guard” and arrange a discussion with the coach at another time. Speak up.
The big hockey stick serves to block others’ efforts to score points. Relationships with others that are adversarial or about keeping score are usually stressful. On the other hand, applauding sincere efforts and helping others to succeed as you want to succeed is helpful and may feel “lighter.” For this, you need to put down your symbolic hockey stick and give other people points when they show effort and are attempting to grow, move, or change.
Suppose another starting forward is getting lots of praise from the coach. Instead of being jealous or wondering, “What about me?” be happy for the other forward and say so. Make it a point to compliment each member of the team after a game and find something each person did well. If a co-worker gets the promotion you really wanted, be happy for that person and know that something else is in store for you. Put down the “hockey stick” and celebrate when others get points; be glad when others receive positive feedback, even if this time you didn’t. They will feel better and so will you. Give others points.
The skates worn by the goalie serve as transportation over the ice, providing mobility on a slippery surface. Sometimes goalies come out of the goal inappropriately, to join a fight or mix up the game. If your symbolic skates are taking you away from your goals, you need to remove them and proceed with greater awareness and intention. When the going gets tough, you may be tempted to skate away smoothly, ignoring what you are in the game to accomplish. If you aren’t sure what your goals are, you probably will have a hard time navigating how to move forward with your partner or with a team. By taking off those symbolic skates, you commit yourself to proceeding with thought and care. If you want to exercise three times per week, stay by that goal and don’t skate away from it with excuses that there’s no time. If you want to have a great marriage, you need to take off “skates” like working late every night and then going out with friends instead of being with your partner and working it out. Stand by your goal without skating away.
Far too often, like the hypothetical hockey goalie, athletes, coaches, and others wear many layers of “equipment” on the playing field and in their personal lives when it’s not helpful. Parents and athletes may have communication struggles around topics of practice, game performance, academics, and friends. Athletes may struggle with knowing how to maneuver through decisions about high risk behavior and peer pressure. Coaches and their partners may struggle over how to balance time spent in sport with couple/family time. Parents may have differences in how to rear their children. These sorts of things can create an atmosphere much like a hockey game, in which everyone’s waiting for the next flying puck. Hence, the defenses go up, the “equipment” is on.
If you want to improve your relationships, communicate in skillful and helpful ways, de-stress, and move toward goals, think about the hockey goalie equipment and remember to “take off the mask,” “take off the helmet,” “take out the mouth guard,” “put down the stick,” and “take off the skates.” With practice, it will get easier and become a new pattern of relating. By doing this, you will improve your performance in sport and the wider arena of your life, and most importantly your performance in your relationships on and off the field!
Additional examples of hockey goalie equipment and their symbolism:
The team jersey shows everyone to what team the goalie belongs. It’s usually very large and portrays a group name for identity. If your sense of identity depends on your membership in a group, team, or club, then when you are by yourself or no longer in the group, you may feel lonely and without purpose or direction. When you take off your symbolic jersey, you can claim your individuality and be comfortable with it, in spite of fear about standing alone at times.
If you do things because everyone else on the team is doing them, but you don’t really want to participate or feel uncomfortable doing so, you need to take off the “team jersey” without fear and show your true identity as an individual. Just because everyone else on the team is going out after the game/meeting, if you’re not up to it, you can skip out and be true to your own need for rest. Being true to yourself doesn’t mean you’re not part of the team. Be true to you.
The body-armor padding is worn by the goalie to protect against injury from flying objects – and as protection during fights with opponents. If you are wearing symbolic padding to protect yourself from insult and injury, you prevent yourself from feeling, and feeling is necessary for growth, even if it is painful sometimes. By letting go of the padding, you may find that in the long run you have learned to feel comfortable in your own skin.
You might put up all kinds of defenses to avoid experiencing hurt feelings. You can pad yourself with such defenses as minimizing, humor, or sarcasm. If someone says or does something that you perceive as hurtful, the best thing to do is to take off the defensive “body-armor padding,” and feel, really feel the hurt, sadness, or anger. Address it and eventually move past it. Feelings help you grow. If someone tells you that you had a terrible game, and you know that you tried your best to perform well, it hurts. Instead of defending yourself against the comment by swearing at the person or saying something hurtful in return, you need to take off the “body-armor padding” and tell the person that your feelings are hurt. Feel it.
The thermal underwear worn underneath the padding serves the goalie by providing warmth, insulation, and moisture control between the layer of exterior padding and soft human skin. Sometimes you need to get rid of your symbolic layers of moisture control and allow the free release of the sweat and tears that are a natural human function.
Sometimes, if feelings are hurt, it can be good to cry. Sometimes if hard work is required, it’s good to show sweat. If you experience pain from an injury during a game and you shed tears, you don’t have to worry about them getting soaked up or sucked back in quickly, before anyone sees. If you cry in front of a boss or a partner, you may want to quickly stop and be back to “normal,” but allowing them to flow is good. Tears are a natural response to pain. Let it out.
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