“Get the ball, Buddy. Get the ball, Buddy, get the ball, Buddy. Go after it, Buddy. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Get the ball, Buddy.” Imagine hearing this every 15 seconds for an hour. Did I overhear these statements in a backyard while someone was training a new puppy? No. I had the distinct displeasure of hearing this at a youth soccer game at 8 a.m. on an otherwise pleasant Saturday morning.
I am well aware that most parents and interested individuals who come to watch their children play sports are generally supportive and wish to cheer for their children and respective teams. At the same time, I have a hard time remembering attending a youth sport game when there was not at least one parent acting in an annoying way, oblivious to the irritation that was obvious to me and other adults in the crowd. Exchanges of knowing looks, a wince from the referee close by, targeted child looking confused/ embarrassed, but nothing said to the “Annoyance.”
The problem is that annoying behavior isn’t just annoying, it interferes with the children’s time to have fun and it usually interferes with their performance. Let’s be clear. There are HELPFUL and UNHELPFUL ways to cheer for youth playing sport before, during, and after the game, practice, or event.
If you place importance on your child having fun and improving performance, here are a few things to avoid because they are UNHELPFUL: 1. Frequent directions from anyone who is not the coach. 2. Focus on winning. 3. Play-by-play of everything the child “coulda, shoulda, woulda” done during the game, immediately after the game in the vehicle going homeward.
Let me explain.
1. Constant/frequent directions from anyone who is not the coach are UNHELPFUL. In the case of soccer as with other sports, by the time the child registers that it is the parent’s voice, looks over at the parent to “see” what is going on, “hears” what is actually being said, or the child hesitates because she didn’t hear what was said and looks longer away from the play, the play at hand (foot) is OVER. This type of direction from parents is distraction, it usually takes away from the ability to perform in the moment with concentration. By the time the child gets the coveted college scholarship that less than a fraction of 1% of athletes receive, she’s sure to be able to tune out crowd noise and distraction. However, at the youth level when they are just learning the fundamentals and hoping to have fun, constant and even frequent directions from parents are UNHELPFUL.
What is helpful? Once in a while, when the child is in close proximity, maybe when the play is stopped, when the child has done something worth reinforcing (like making a great pass), a parent can give supportive direct feedback specific to the action, such as “Great pass, keep up the great work!” Reinforcement is more effective if it is given a few choice times, not during the entire game. Keep it positive, find what they did correctly or close to correctly, do not point out “mistakes.” If you place importance on your child having fun and improving performance, discontinue shouting directions from the sidelines. Leave direction to the coach (who hopefully doesn’t shout incessant directions and negative feedback either).
2. Focus on winning is UNHELPFUL. Instead of saying before the game, “Are you going to win your game today?” or during the game/halftime, “We’re winning!” say something about working toward a process goal. Ask before the game, “What are you going to work on today? Passing? Ok, see if you can complete 5 good passes.” Or, during halftime, say, “I can see how hard you are working, I like the 2 passes you did so well, keep it up.” Even if the child is focused on winning, you as the parent can change that focus, thereby supporting a good process (step by step) rather than the outcome (end result-win/lose). When we reinforce process goals rather than outcomes, it is easier to build confidence and competence. Five passes are within the child’s control, winning the game is not. If you place importance on your child having fun and improving performance, focusing on what they can control is HELPFUL.
3. Play-by-play of everything the child “coulda, shoulda, woulda” done during the game, immediately after the game in the vehicle going homeward is UNHELPFUL. Youth athletes that I talk to tell me time and again that they wish their parents would not “debrief” them on their perceptions of the game/competition afterward. Pointing out “mistakes,” making suggestions for improvement, or offering advice, although well intentioned, usually does not help your child to play/perform better. The game is the teacher. The coach is the teacher. Instead of conducting a review session of the game and offering critique, it may be more helpful to ask, “What did you enjoy about the game?” or “What did you like about your performance today?” or “What did you notice about how you felt during the game?” Even better, stay away from questions and give a simple statement to create a conversation if they want one, such as “I enjoyed watching you, that was fun,” or “You did your best, I’m proud of you.” If you place importance on your child having fun and improving performance, simple support and positive statements about your experience of watching are HELPFUL.
C’mon parents, I know you want to be helpful to your child. I know you want them to have fun and improve as best they can in the sports they play. Let’s improve cheering and support techniques for their sake. You can do better, you can be more helpful to them by embracing the “less is more” cliché. Less direction from you on the sidelines means less distraction. Less focus on winning, means more focus on process rather than outcome. Less debriefing and advice, means more independent learning. Let them do the talking before, during, and after games. Let them be in control of their games and themselves while they are playing, so they can do the best they can.
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