Yesterday marked the first day in many months of warmth, sunshine, and temperatures worth not wearing a coat. It’s as if a freedom in the body returned to us. This winter was long, hard, and cold. Many of our clients and acquaintances were voicing complaints about the bitter, frequent cold. Many felt a need to hibernate and stay close to home. We each struggled with a seeming sluggish energy, even though we agreed we were not depressed. Eating well, taking vitamins, working out, and other activities continued, yet still our experiences seemed somehow to reflect a lowness. So, what is it about January to mid March that makes us cocoon away? Weather, life transitions, lulls related to normal waves of life? Even if the answers to those questions are not apparent, can we embrace the different energy rather than jump to a conclusion that something is wrong if we don’t feel like being busy?
We connected in early February to write our next piece. We set a loose date of mid March to have something on paper. The date approached and then passed and neither of us said a word to each other. We were both there, static, feeling the lack of motivation to do more than exist. We connected again last week and as we enjoyed a marvelous local omnivore lunch, both of us felt more energy for writing. Both of us felt creativity and were energized talking with each other. We agreed this experience of low energy is what we should write about next.
Allison’s View
Piggybacking on our first writing duet, what comes to mind is do less, stay in the moment, and be present.
If we acknowledge our desire to do less during the depths of winter and we stick to that and commit to less, it would make sense we would be more content, right? So, why doesn’t it always feel ok and safe? One answer is we aren’t used to doing less. Perhaps, if we practice this and respect our bodies’ needs during the seasons, during our own personal time crunches, and just daily, then we will get better with the stillness of doing less and the bigger spaces between activities.
Staying in the moment. Have you ever just looked out at freshly fallen snow and marveled? It’s beauty is unreal! Or is all you see the shoveling and hassles of tomorrow’s commute? If we can truly stay in the moment we will share more of these beautiful moments with the cold winter days (and also the hot sticky summer ones).
Being present is essential to accomplishing the two above but I think it is even more than that. It’s acknowledgement of staying in the moment and doing less. It’s consciously saying it’s ok to stay in on this snowy day. It’s not rushing to the store for bread and milk since the snow is predicted. It’s the awareness that our bodies do slow down in the winter and this is ok and can even be very healing.
I think I am only just beginning to have this shift in perspective as the days are lengthening and it isn’t frigid every day this week. But I am hopeful that I can take some of what I have observed about this very long winter and apply to future winters. The shifts of seasons are a time for reflection, repurposing, and opening to what is ahead. I am optimistic this winter has given us all a lot of time to think and now we can move ahead and take action! Or not. Only when you’re ready.
Darla’s View
What I kept doing in these last few months, is give myself permission to simply be. If I didn't feel like doing something, including writing, I didn't do it. If I didn't feel like socializing, I didn't. If I didn't feel like reading, I didn't. I ate things if they called to me, if I didn't feel like eating, I didn't. What I did do was consistently be mindful of my mood and emotions, and exercise daily (running, weight training, martial arts, or yoga).
There is a skeleton of discipline of taking care of myself that I have maintained for many years. I think this framework helped me to process the mental or emotional "low" that I was experiencing, or rather the louder volume of my sad, mad, or worry feelings. I kept giving myself permission to feel this low energy and told myself it was temporary, I'd feel different when I was ready to feel different. I reassured myself even when I worried and considered something was "wrong" with me.
I’m aware that many people avoid emotions with being busy. I work with clients who have spent a lifetime avoiding feelings and then they come crashing into their lives, unavoidable no longer. These can be big emotions that form a picture of anxiety and/or depression, or settle into the body as back pain. They are scared of the big emotions. Perhaps this is why I make it a practice to be friends with the subtle worry and sadness when they arise. This winter mix of lowness and heightened emotions called for maintenance, like exercise of my body, it included being with subtle emotions when they arose, not avoiding them with some kind of busy-ness. With intention, I did the maintenance with a lot of reflection.
Conclusion
Perhaps cold winter months could be considered a time for emotional maintenance.
Emotions require time and attention. We lead our "busy" lives year round, but maybe this busy-ness is code for "avoid present moments and avoid emotions." January to March seems like a natural recalibration period, even if activity levels are the same, there's a low that calls for "slow" action, or more accurately, reflection. Non-busy-ness. In this way, winter is spring, it's a time of renewal in attention to a full range of emotions! It’s a perfect time to do less and be present.
"I was so non-busy last week and felt a lot of emotions." We’d like to hear people say this more often in response to the questions about how they're doing, and say it without feeling guilt for not being "busy." Perhaps we can encourage steady emotional maintenance with non-busy-ness year round… we’ll see how it goes next January.
Dr. Allison K. Norris, is a chiropractor practicing in the Lakewood, OH area for the past 10 years. Her focus in practice is on the entire family from birth to the aged. She thoroughly enjoys teaching her patients about health in a variety of ways including: chiropractic, nutrition, massage, exercise, and acupuncture/energy work. She also lives in Lakewood with her husband, 3 kids, and dog.
Darla Sedlacek, Ph.D. is a Psychologist, Fitness Trainer, Coach, and avid athlete. Dr. Darla provides a menu of services to adults and youth including psychotherapy, fitness training, and seminars for various topics. She addresses sport performance enhancement, energy management, weight and body image, obesity, recovery from injury, mood and anxiety disorders, adjustment issues, spiritual development, relationships, family issues, trauma, grief and loss. She was faculty at Cleveland State University in the Health, Physical Education, Recreation, and Dance Department and the Counseling Department.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
Stressing to Make Change
There is no shortage of articles about managing stress during the holidays. Lots of commercials on TV seem to play to the idea of the stressed shopper or caretaker who could benefit or find relief from whatever product is being marketed. Similar to shopping lists, tips for coping with stress might include simple things like “say no” to certain commitments or take a bath or a time out. While these things may be helpful, there are more lasting things to put on a list. We would like to suggest that you make changes in how you perceive stress and how you manage it by making friends with it. Managing stress is really about managing your energy. Stress has negative connotations, energy is neutral.
When we discuss “stress” with our patients and clients, many will identify physical and emotional manifestations, things they notice in their bodies such as aching or stiffness, and things they are feeling such as sad, lonely, or angry. Despite these signs and symptoms, many folks will say "but I'm not stressed!" Let us break the news gently- we are ALL stressed. If your heart rate ever increases, you will have stress. We don’t want to be stressed, or rather feel upset. More often than not, when people say they are stressed, they are having difficulty managing energy: thoughts, emotions, physical body.
This world moves quickly and we tend to get wrapped up in schedules, meetings, and expectations. The holidays, for some, seems to add to the weight of responsibilities. This isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it demands more energy, and if you are not adapting to the increased demand, you may start to feel upset or “stressed.” You might feel stuck or your body will start to “talk” differently. For some, the adaptation to the added demand for energy can feel natural while others get stuck in the process. The physical and emotional effects of unmanaged energy or “stress,” when left unaddressed, will eventually affect our internal homeostasis and organ systems as well as our external homeostasis in relationships with others.
Changes in thinking and activity get attention, remember that stress also comes from emotions and our perceptions of them. It comes from feeling frustrated, sad, angry, etc. and then perceiving the emotion as bad, uncomfortable, or something to hurry up and get rid of in order to get back to some ongoing mythical happy place. Rather than really feel our emotions, noticing them in a very mindful way, or be present to the ones that are uncomfortable, we tend to “do” something else in order not to feel. We distract ourselves. Shopping, eating, drinking, facebooking, baking can all be fun activities, even exercising, and they can also be distractions that serve to numb uncomfortable feelings that arise. In the meantime those feelings are held in the body, waiting to be processed. Left unprocessed, they create discomfort or stress that manifests in a myriad of ways. Over longer periods of time, they create louder discomforts, louder imbalances.
So how do we manage energy, cope well, and stay unstuck? Most of our responses are intuitive and fluid, even without thinking or control at times. We cope and just keep going without efforting too much. We can cope with what we perceive as stressful situations in all sorts of ways, some helpful, some not so helpful. If you are coping in unhelpful ways, you might notice pain in your body and mind to varying degrees. If you want to reduce pain, you might decide to make some changes in your routines, changing how you manage your energy (thoughts, emotions, physical body).
If you like to-do lists and the structure they provide, here’s a list that gives suggestions of mind-body-spirit practices that will help you manage your energy. Combining different ways to bring awareness to your body and mind and practicing this awareness often may seem simple, but not easy. The diligence you give to it will pay off with more energy during the holiday. Manage holiday demands in these ways: Be aware, Move, and Feed.
Be aware
Use awareness the next time you feel “stressed.” Pay close attention to what happens to your breathing, your muscles, your body and mind. Do you reach for food? Do you flee? What do you think about? What emotions arise? Use your breath to create awareness of the thoughts in your mind, especially thoughts about emotions. This is a gift to your body. Recognizing that you are in a stressful or high energy demand situation, you can “talk” to your body, letting it know that it isn’t alone. This awareness of your mind/thoughts and body/emotions connects them as partners in this process of coping. Knowing how you are responding to stress gives you the ability to make changes if what you are doing, thinking, or feeling isn’t working for you.
Noticing your emotions is an action and is enough. You don’t have to move your body, you don’t have to go anywhere, you don’t have to talk about it. You simply stop and pay attention for as long as needed. You put your attention on what you are feeling, what is happening in your body, and what thoughts are running through your mind as an observer. What is happening inside of you? Just notice and then let your observations either lead you to more noticing, to quiet and doing nothing, or to doing something about it or some other task. It is very simple, but not easy. Many people have difficulty stopping to notice what they are feeling in any given moment, the default seems to be think, think, think, or go, go, go action. Over time, the more you stop to notice your feelings as they arise, you may feel more “clear” or “light” as you are processing them along the way. You give them valid voice so they don’t turn to those louder discomforts in your body or a barrage of thinking that feeds a cycle of more stress.
To expand your ability to be aware more of the time, it can be helpful to engage in practices that help you connect to the present moment, and connect mind, body, and emotions. Yoga, meditation, or sitting quietly are helpful ways to practice reminding your mind that you are here for your body. It gives time for your mind and body to “converse,” listening to your emotions.
Move
People who move, hurt less. This is true in our observations with patients/clients and there is ample research to support this. Take a walk, choose the stairs, go running, do strength work, or do some stationery kick boxing. As you move, endorphins are released from your brain and these are powerful natural relaxants for the mind and body. Stressors and adaptations to them stop, even if momentarily, when the endorphins are flowing. This gives you a break and some time to recover. The more you make moving a regular part of your routine, the more you manage your energy. By connecting with your body, you connect with thoughts and feelings, as long as you are aware.
Feed
“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants,” says Michael Pollen. “Diet” is not a helpful word but most food plans out there will be effective if you eat more veggies! When we feed our bodies good nutrients, they will perform and adapt to stress for us much better. There is not a one way ticket to good nutrition, you have to pay attention to your body and use good sense and science. Being aware of your body’s energy and how it responds to certain foods is another part of managing stress. Additionally, feed yourself with good relationships, with meaningful activities, meaningful work, and constant learning about things in which you are interested. These are all ways to “feed,” ways to add to or deplete your energy.
This holiday season, we would like you to give yourself the gift of presence to your experience- thoughts, emotions, and physical body. Embrace them with a big holiday hug and give your full attention and some time to notice what you are really feeling at any given time. Especially when you anticipate stress, such as in response to family gatherings, or paying bills, stop and notice with full attention what is going on in your body, what you feel, how you feel, and where you feel it. This is a gift that will certainly keep giving you more insight into yourself, and quite possibly birth a new you.
Dr. Allison K. Norris, is a chiropractor practicing in the Lakewood, OH area for the past 10 years. Her focus in practice is on the entire family from birth to the aged. She thoroughly enjoys teaching her patients about health in a variety of ways including: chiropractic, nutrition, massage, exercise, and acupuncture/energy work. She also lives in Lakewood with her husband, 3 kids, and dog.
Darla Sedlacek, Ph.D. is a Psychologist, Fitness Trainer, Coach, and avid athlete. Dr. Darla provides an array of services to adults and youth. She addresses sport performance enhancement, energy management, weight and body image, obesity, recovery from injury, mood and anxiety disorders, adjustment issues, spiritual development, relationships, family issues, grief and loss. She was faculty at Cleveland State University in the Health, Physical Education, Recreation, and Dance Department and the Counseling Department.
When we discuss “stress” with our patients and clients, many will identify physical and emotional manifestations, things they notice in their bodies such as aching or stiffness, and things they are feeling such as sad, lonely, or angry. Despite these signs and symptoms, many folks will say "but I'm not stressed!" Let us break the news gently- we are ALL stressed. If your heart rate ever increases, you will have stress. We don’t want to be stressed, or rather feel upset. More often than not, when people say they are stressed, they are having difficulty managing energy: thoughts, emotions, physical body.
This world moves quickly and we tend to get wrapped up in schedules, meetings, and expectations. The holidays, for some, seems to add to the weight of responsibilities. This isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it demands more energy, and if you are not adapting to the increased demand, you may start to feel upset or “stressed.” You might feel stuck or your body will start to “talk” differently. For some, the adaptation to the added demand for energy can feel natural while others get stuck in the process. The physical and emotional effects of unmanaged energy or “stress,” when left unaddressed, will eventually affect our internal homeostasis and organ systems as well as our external homeostasis in relationships with others.
Changes in thinking and activity get attention, remember that stress also comes from emotions and our perceptions of them. It comes from feeling frustrated, sad, angry, etc. and then perceiving the emotion as bad, uncomfortable, or something to hurry up and get rid of in order to get back to some ongoing mythical happy place. Rather than really feel our emotions, noticing them in a very mindful way, or be present to the ones that are uncomfortable, we tend to “do” something else in order not to feel. We distract ourselves. Shopping, eating, drinking, facebooking, baking can all be fun activities, even exercising, and they can also be distractions that serve to numb uncomfortable feelings that arise. In the meantime those feelings are held in the body, waiting to be processed. Left unprocessed, they create discomfort or stress that manifests in a myriad of ways. Over longer periods of time, they create louder discomforts, louder imbalances.
So how do we manage energy, cope well, and stay unstuck? Most of our responses are intuitive and fluid, even without thinking or control at times. We cope and just keep going without efforting too much. We can cope with what we perceive as stressful situations in all sorts of ways, some helpful, some not so helpful. If you are coping in unhelpful ways, you might notice pain in your body and mind to varying degrees. If you want to reduce pain, you might decide to make some changes in your routines, changing how you manage your energy (thoughts, emotions, physical body).
If you like to-do lists and the structure they provide, here’s a list that gives suggestions of mind-body-spirit practices that will help you manage your energy. Combining different ways to bring awareness to your body and mind and practicing this awareness often may seem simple, but not easy. The diligence you give to it will pay off with more energy during the holiday. Manage holiday demands in these ways: Be aware, Move, and Feed.
Be aware
Use awareness the next time you feel “stressed.” Pay close attention to what happens to your breathing, your muscles, your body and mind. Do you reach for food? Do you flee? What do you think about? What emotions arise? Use your breath to create awareness of the thoughts in your mind, especially thoughts about emotions. This is a gift to your body. Recognizing that you are in a stressful or high energy demand situation, you can “talk” to your body, letting it know that it isn’t alone. This awareness of your mind/thoughts and body/emotions connects them as partners in this process of coping. Knowing how you are responding to stress gives you the ability to make changes if what you are doing, thinking, or feeling isn’t working for you.
Noticing your emotions is an action and is enough. You don’t have to move your body, you don’t have to go anywhere, you don’t have to talk about it. You simply stop and pay attention for as long as needed. You put your attention on what you are feeling, what is happening in your body, and what thoughts are running through your mind as an observer. What is happening inside of you? Just notice and then let your observations either lead you to more noticing, to quiet and doing nothing, or to doing something about it or some other task. It is very simple, but not easy. Many people have difficulty stopping to notice what they are feeling in any given moment, the default seems to be think, think, think, or go, go, go action. Over time, the more you stop to notice your feelings as they arise, you may feel more “clear” or “light” as you are processing them along the way. You give them valid voice so they don’t turn to those louder discomforts in your body or a barrage of thinking that feeds a cycle of more stress.
To expand your ability to be aware more of the time, it can be helpful to engage in practices that help you connect to the present moment, and connect mind, body, and emotions. Yoga, meditation, or sitting quietly are helpful ways to practice reminding your mind that you are here for your body. It gives time for your mind and body to “converse,” listening to your emotions.
Move
People who move, hurt less. This is true in our observations with patients/clients and there is ample research to support this. Take a walk, choose the stairs, go running, do strength work, or do some stationery kick boxing. As you move, endorphins are released from your brain and these are powerful natural relaxants for the mind and body. Stressors and adaptations to them stop, even if momentarily, when the endorphins are flowing. This gives you a break and some time to recover. The more you make moving a regular part of your routine, the more you manage your energy. By connecting with your body, you connect with thoughts and feelings, as long as you are aware.
Feed
“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants,” says Michael Pollen. “Diet” is not a helpful word but most food plans out there will be effective if you eat more veggies! When we feed our bodies good nutrients, they will perform and adapt to stress for us much better. There is not a one way ticket to good nutrition, you have to pay attention to your body and use good sense and science. Being aware of your body’s energy and how it responds to certain foods is another part of managing stress. Additionally, feed yourself with good relationships, with meaningful activities, meaningful work, and constant learning about things in which you are interested. These are all ways to “feed,” ways to add to or deplete your energy.
This holiday season, we would like you to give yourself the gift of presence to your experience- thoughts, emotions, and physical body. Embrace them with a big holiday hug and give your full attention and some time to notice what you are really feeling at any given time. Especially when you anticipate stress, such as in response to family gatherings, or paying bills, stop and notice with full attention what is going on in your body, what you feel, how you feel, and where you feel it. This is a gift that will certainly keep giving you more insight into yourself, and quite possibly birth a new you.
Dr. Allison K. Norris, is a chiropractor practicing in the Lakewood, OH area for the past 10 years. Her focus in practice is on the entire family from birth to the aged. She thoroughly enjoys teaching her patients about health in a variety of ways including: chiropractic, nutrition, massage, exercise, and acupuncture/energy work. She also lives in Lakewood with her husband, 3 kids, and dog.
Darla Sedlacek, Ph.D. is a Psychologist, Fitness Trainer, Coach, and avid athlete. Dr. Darla provides an array of services to adults and youth. She addresses sport performance enhancement, energy management, weight and body image, obesity, recovery from injury, mood and anxiety disorders, adjustment issues, spiritual development, relationships, family issues, grief and loss. She was faculty at Cleveland State University in the Health, Physical Education, Recreation, and Dance Department and the Counseling Department.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Neutralizing Self Doubt
In the last blog post, I discussed how ambivalence is part of the process of making changes in your life. When you may be stuck between wanting and not wanting to do something, it’s important to be mindful of ambivalence and recognize that it’s part of the process of change. The use of goal setting as a tool to help you gently overcome that ambivalence and take action can be helpful.
Let’s say that you are now committed to a goal and taking concrete steps to achieve it. You are moving on your “map” of change. Sometimes, despite being committed, you may notice doubtful thoughts running through your mind. “I don’t know if I can really do this.” “I don’t know if I’ll be ready for that race on time.” “I don’t know if I can keep going with my nutrition plan.” “I don’t think I can finish this run today.”
Self Doubt and Self-Talk Awareness
Self doubt can come and go in the midst of your process of making changes and taking steps toward your training goals. If you notice doubtful thoughts going through your mind and feel tension in your body, you might practice awareness of your self-talk. Notice your thoughts and say to yourself, “Ah, there goes that thought again,” and then replace it with a different and helpful thought. “I can do this.” “I’m preparing the best I can, I am readying.” “I’m doing my best each day with nutrition.” “I am finishing this run.”
Rather than a suggestion to “just be positive,” switching your self-talk statements from doubtful ones to confident and strong ones is a means of managing your thoughts, making them neutral (not positive or negative, just thoughts to be noticed and switched). Paying attention to your thoughts helps you to manage them as well as energy and stress. This process improves your performance and increases your confidence.
Self Talk- Tool to Get to Goal
Now, let me give you an example of how this may play out. I usually run by myself, listening to music and moving as meditation. I get satisfaction in “going away” for a while during a run. Last week, I participated in a fun run at a local running shop with about 200 other runners. I didn’t use headphones, so I was more keenly aware than usual of my thoughts and the people around me. I felt pressure to go faster to “keep up” with others around me even though I didn’t plan to push my pace during this run. I started battling in my head, “I don’t like this,” “I need to push,” “I’m hot, I don’t feel like doing this, I already ran today,” “why am I so slow?” I noticed these thoughts and I countered them. “I am fine, I can do this.” “I am an experienced runner, this is a relatively short run.” I shortened my statements to a couple words and then kept repeating over and over until I felt better and more focused, “fast, fast, fast, short, short, short” (keep moving your feet fast and keep your steps short).
In the moments when I was having doubtful thoughts, my body was tense. When I settled onto my strong words “fast and short,” I felt more ease in the run. I remembered my training goal for the day and stuck to it, despite the difficulty. I kept going despite wanting to stop and not feeling so good during this particular run. I was committed, and when I experienced doubts, I noticed the thoughts and changed them up with intention and high repetition until I calmed again in my mind and body.
Conclusion
Because of my commitment to my training goal for the day, I persisted through the difficulty of self doubt with the tool of self-talk awareness. In a similar way, you can practice being aware of tension and doubtful thoughts that run through your mind when you are working toward your goals, whenever they arise, by being mindful and switching them. Just like goals may help you resolve ambivalence, they motivate you to move through the physical discomfort of training and the mental discomfort of things like self doubt. Discomfort is temporary, your goal accomplishments are forever.
Let’s say that you are now committed to a goal and taking concrete steps to achieve it. You are moving on your “map” of change. Sometimes, despite being committed, you may notice doubtful thoughts running through your mind. “I don’t know if I can really do this.” “I don’t know if I’ll be ready for that race on time.” “I don’t know if I can keep going with my nutrition plan.” “I don’t think I can finish this run today.”
Self Doubt and Self-Talk Awareness
Self doubt can come and go in the midst of your process of making changes and taking steps toward your training goals. If you notice doubtful thoughts going through your mind and feel tension in your body, you might practice awareness of your self-talk. Notice your thoughts and say to yourself, “Ah, there goes that thought again,” and then replace it with a different and helpful thought. “I can do this.” “I’m preparing the best I can, I am readying.” “I’m doing my best each day with nutrition.” “I am finishing this run.”
Rather than a suggestion to “just be positive,” switching your self-talk statements from doubtful ones to confident and strong ones is a means of managing your thoughts, making them neutral (not positive or negative, just thoughts to be noticed and switched). Paying attention to your thoughts helps you to manage them as well as energy and stress. This process improves your performance and increases your confidence.
Self Talk- Tool to Get to Goal
Now, let me give you an example of how this may play out. I usually run by myself, listening to music and moving as meditation. I get satisfaction in “going away” for a while during a run. Last week, I participated in a fun run at a local running shop with about 200 other runners. I didn’t use headphones, so I was more keenly aware than usual of my thoughts and the people around me. I felt pressure to go faster to “keep up” with others around me even though I didn’t plan to push my pace during this run. I started battling in my head, “I don’t like this,” “I need to push,” “I’m hot, I don’t feel like doing this, I already ran today,” “why am I so slow?” I noticed these thoughts and I countered them. “I am fine, I can do this.” “I am an experienced runner, this is a relatively short run.” I shortened my statements to a couple words and then kept repeating over and over until I felt better and more focused, “fast, fast, fast, short, short, short” (keep moving your feet fast and keep your steps short).
In the moments when I was having doubtful thoughts, my body was tense. When I settled onto my strong words “fast and short,” I felt more ease in the run. I remembered my training goal for the day and stuck to it, despite the difficulty. I kept going despite wanting to stop and not feeling so good during this particular run. I was committed, and when I experienced doubts, I noticed the thoughts and changed them up with intention and high repetition until I calmed again in my mind and body.
Conclusion
Because of my commitment to my training goal for the day, I persisted through the difficulty of self doubt with the tool of self-talk awareness. In a similar way, you can practice being aware of tension and doubtful thoughts that run through your mind when you are working toward your goals, whenever they arise, by being mindful and switching them. Just like goals may help you resolve ambivalence, they motivate you to move through the physical discomfort of training and the mental discomfort of things like self doubt. Discomfort is temporary, your goal accomplishments are forever.
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Goal: Resolve Ambivalence
Some people set goals and accomplish them, no problem. Others have some difficulty and get caught between wanting and not wanting change. If you were ever on the listening end of this kind of dilemma as it’s verbalized, you might find yourself directing the person to “just do” something. “I really want to train more for that marathon.” “Well, why don’t you start longer runs on Saturdays.” “Oh, I can’t, I’m busy with other things on Saturdays.” And so it goes, no matter the suggestion, the answer will be an argument for why it’s not possible. You may begin to feel tension and wonder whether the person really means what she or he says.
People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it. “I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.” “I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.” “I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.” These discrepancies signify ambivalence and create tension. If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, goal setting can be a good test of what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it, potentially resolving the ambivalence.
Order and Testing with Goals
When you decide to set a goal and make a change, you can begin the process by being very clear about what is important to you in the big picture (guiding principles), and then creating the goals that align with those principles.
Order
When goals are written down (specific, measurable, etc.) and thereby made concrete, commitment/action can follow because the goal serves to bring order/structure to your thoughts and behavior. You feel satisfied when you are working toward goals and satisfaction helps you continue on and set new ones. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed, with little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important and what you do. Things start to “flow.”
Testing
Aside from creating this kind of order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important? For example, “My total quality of life and health is important and includes a consistent fitness routine.” An aligned goal might be, “I spend 45 minutes working out at least 4-5 days per week.” If there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort or follow through (difficulty may also mean it’s too challenging to start, could be better written, less vague), it’s time to check in with yourself. Is the goal really something you are committed to and believe most important? If you say yes, and still feel like you “can’t” take an action step, then it’s time to stop and notice what tension may be arising and be “ok” with ambivalence. Ambivalence gets resolved by first, noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then when you are ready, with making the decision to take action or not. The length of time you will “wrestle” with ambivalence varies widely. If you decide not to take action, but still desire to move toward the goal, you simply stick with the tension and return to the process of questioning yourself.
Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario- take action or not. In the meantime, attempting to persuade yourself to do so, or being hard on yourself for your difficulty, will not help you to decide or “move” out of the “wrestling” and ambivalence. Notice the ambivalence in a mindful way, it’s simply information about what’s really important and shows you that you are, indeed, in the process of making change.
Summary
Recognizing tension as part of the change process helps you achieve your goals. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit and re-commit to or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles. And then, act. If you are not ready to act, you go back through the process again, recognizing ambivalence as helpful information in the process that leads to clarity and action. When you feel ambivalent or are “wrestling” with making changes along the way to your goals, be a gentle coach to yourself, and say, “You can do it- if you want to.”
People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it. “I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.” “I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.” “I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.” These discrepancies signify ambivalence and create tension. If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, goal setting can be a good test of what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it, potentially resolving the ambivalence.
Order and Testing with Goals
When you decide to set a goal and make a change, you can begin the process by being very clear about what is important to you in the big picture (guiding principles), and then creating the goals that align with those principles.
Order
When goals are written down (specific, measurable, etc.) and thereby made concrete, commitment/action can follow because the goal serves to bring order/structure to your thoughts and behavior. You feel satisfied when you are working toward goals and satisfaction helps you continue on and set new ones. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed, with little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important and what you do. Things start to “flow.”
Testing
Aside from creating this kind of order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important? For example, “My total quality of life and health is important and includes a consistent fitness routine.” An aligned goal might be, “I spend 45 minutes working out at least 4-5 days per week.” If there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort or follow through (difficulty may also mean it’s too challenging to start, could be better written, less vague), it’s time to check in with yourself. Is the goal really something you are committed to and believe most important? If you say yes, and still feel like you “can’t” take an action step, then it’s time to stop and notice what tension may be arising and be “ok” with ambivalence. Ambivalence gets resolved by first, noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then when you are ready, with making the decision to take action or not. The length of time you will “wrestle” with ambivalence varies widely. If you decide not to take action, but still desire to move toward the goal, you simply stick with the tension and return to the process of questioning yourself.
Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario- take action or not. In the meantime, attempting to persuade yourself to do so, or being hard on yourself for your difficulty, will not help you to decide or “move” out of the “wrestling” and ambivalence. Notice the ambivalence in a mindful way, it’s simply information about what’s really important and shows you that you are, indeed, in the process of making change.
Summary
Recognizing tension as part of the change process helps you achieve your goals. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit and re-commit to or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles. And then, act. If you are not ready to act, you go back through the process again, recognizing ambivalence as helpful information in the process that leads to clarity and action. When you feel ambivalent or are “wrestling” with making changes along the way to your goals, be a gentle coach to yourself, and say, “You can do it- if you want to.”
Thursday, March 21, 2013
FOUL in Steubenville
Sport coaches have power over players' behavior, they spend a lot of time with athletes and have close relationships with them. Because of this power and the relationship it exists within, coaches can exert a lot of influence in and out of sport. Because of this influence, coaches can play a significant role in preventing high risk behavior amongst high school and college athletes. Many coaches do a fantastic job of teaching life lessons. Despite pressures to win or be fired and time limitations, they are happy to spend a little time in discussions with players to prevent “trouble” behavior throughout their seasons. Unfortunately, many coaches propagate abusive behavior by modeling bullying behavior, or altogether avoid preventing harmful behavior when they know it exists on their teams. As a society, we must expect more from the coaches that have such influence over youth. They are leaders and must be expected to exert leadership behavior in the face of high risk and abusive behavior they are keenly or vaguely aware occurs on their teams. It’s time to transform the culture of sport coaches.
Sexual Assault Prevention and Coaching
Thirteen years ago, I completed my doctoral dissertation on effective sexual assault prevention strategies. I was very energized about reducing the alarming prevalence of sexual assault, not only in high school and college campus populations, but where it exists in any relationship. The way we, as a society, view relationships through the lenses of gender scripts, polarizes males and females. This polarization creates vague definitions that proscribe what it means to be a “man” and what it means to be a “woman” and how they ought to function in relationship to each other. Essentially, being a man equates to being “not a woman.” According to my literature review, these beliefs are highly correlated with attitudes that propagate sexual assault. Unfortunately, distorted notions about masculinity seem to show up in the context of sports, and coaches often are propagating these distortions. For this reason, I urge sport coaches to pay special attention to how they contribute to gender scripting, because this scripting is related to a spectrum of behavior toward females that ranges from disrespect to sexual assault.
Along with the energy that I put into transforming the culture of sexual assault, I also am passionate about the culture of sport and creating best practices for coaching. When those two interests intersect, I become extremely attentive. The Steubenville rape case calls for all of us to pay attention because incidents of rape are sadly common. I am weary of football coaches, all sport coaches, who misuse or fail to use their leadership role by not speaking up about the high prevalence of substance use and sexual assault that take place during parties they know their players attend.
Steubenville
This past weekend, 2 Steubenville, Ohio, teens were found delinquent, guilty in the adult world, of rape committed last summer. The sordid details were revealed in many media stories over the past week (1, 2, 3). The entitlement of the football athletes, the ugliness of their behavior and the advertisement of it through their cell phone text messages, pictures, and videos ended up incriminating them enough that the usual spin to attack the victim’s character was impossible.
What I find especially sickening about this, on a very personal level, is that I met with 4 leaders from Steubenville in May, 2006. I was offering training seminars to football coaches to introduce and implement a program that addressed high risk behavior, including substance use, bullying, hazing, sexual assault and gender scripting. This program was designed to leverage coaches’ positions of power to change the culture of sport by capitalizing on it’s structure. This includes:
• Working with coaches to be effective leaders and role models,
• Teaching the youth athletes how to decide upon and set core team values
• Providing the athletes and coaches with the tools to make decisions that align with those values, in and out of sport.
With some training in a comprehensive approach to behavior change and relationship building, coaches may give youth athletes the tools to make decisions that align with values decided upon by the team. This creates an intrinsic motivation to improve behavior, and refrain from high risk behavior. Coaches usually aim to improve performance: by improving performance off the field, performance improves on the field. The idea is to spend some time at the outset of a season to save time later, dealing with high risk behavior.
There was no interest in the program. I was told there was already a program of mentoring offered to the 6-8th graders. I find it upsetting that the 2 athletes convicted of rape, 16 and 17 yrs. old, were 4th and 5th graders at the time. The comprehensive culture change that I was promoting might have made a huge difference in many lives. Not to say that the program I was offering was a magic potion, but I still believe that the comprehensive culture change that I was promoting then was, and obviously still is, critically needed.
Although the teens themselves are ultimately responsible for their behavior, the culture of sport and community in which they participated certainly contributed to their faulty decision making. That culture can and needs to change in many cities. The misogynist behavior exhibited by the teens, the “above the law” mentality of the football players and their long time coach “Reno,” is particularly troubling. The Steubenville staff told me directly that they knew the culture that they were part of was problematic. This is an example of a grave lack of leadership.
Parents, Teachers, Coaches
After the verdict, the father of one of the delinquent boys announced that he felt some responsibility because he was not “there” for his son. Granted, parents are responsible for teaching youth and instilling guiding principles. At the same time, sport coaches often spend more time with youth than parents do. Some parents may do their best to instill positive values that conflict with a coach who is less than positive or even abusive, but that coach may have a greater influence. Conversely, a lot of parents may not be good examples or effective teachers, nor do they have specific training in how to be good teachers or address high risk behavior. They often may not know “what to say.” This is partly why we have educational systems in place. When coaches are part of these educational systems, they ought to be held to a higher standard of teaching and role modeling. So, are parents responsible for how their children behave? Yes. Are coaches responsible for how the youth they coach behave? Yes. They clearly influence youth in lots of ways. All of the adults- parents, teachers, and coaches are part of the sport culture.
Whether the parents of the delinquent boys were “present” or not, there was a strong “father figure” role model present in the form of the head football coach, Reno Saccoccia, not to mention the 26 other coaches involved with the Steubenville football team. There was ample opportunity to teach life lessons, especially because they knew how necessary it was. But unfortunately, the lessons taught seem to reflect the privilege and secrecy of bad behavior, afforded to football “stars” in a small town. “During last week's trial, Mays testified that Saccoccia knew about the incident and "took care of it." A grand jury will meet in mid-April to consider evidence gathered by investigators from dozens of interviews with, among others, all 27 of the football program's coaches (including junior high, freshman and volunteer coaches).” (4)
Guiding Principles, Lack Respect
That these boys lacked basic human decency in treating another human being with any kind of compassion or respect speaks to the lack of practice of basic values within their heavily practiced football skills. If they were respectful on the football field, I would expect to find that off the field. If there’s an inconsistency, the coach was responsible to point that out. The coach knows about eligibility and grades, the coach knows about parent issues and the status of families. The staff knew in 2006 when I met with them, that the players were faced with drugs, “social issues,” home life issues, and academic issues. The program they had in place was reported to pair youth with an adult mentor to give counseling, “daily” counseling I was told, and “put out fires when they come up.” I was also told that this program, while the school could refer all kids male and female, 80% were athletes “lacking role models.” The reason given for passing on the coach training and program (no charge) was “no time,” the mentoring program had 3 coaches participating, and there were only 5 coaches interested in any further training with something additional.
According to media articles, the teen football players ran rampant, could buy alcohol in town from those friendly to football, staying out past curfew, and lived a life of privileged status in terms of expectations for following rules that were often broken with no repercussions other than a wink. This privileged status certainly transferred to an understanding of relationships as something other than between equals. That understanding, or lack of understanding, certainly led these boys to treat girls as objects, “other,” an out group, without the same privileges as football players. Things. “A dead girl” to be raped.
In every article that I read as this story developed, there was mention of head coach Reno Soccaccio. As the leader of a team of youth, did he help to establish guiding principles of behavior? Did they have a code of conduct? Was it utilized, was it enforced? Did the coach have a code of conduct as a leader? Did the team of 27 football coaches have a code of conduct amongst themselves that was utilized and enforced? Did the school and administrators have a code of conduct for their athletes that was utilized and enforced? Was “respect for others” in these codes? If so, it was clearly not applied consistently or taught effectively. Did the high school educate students about sexual assault, given the high rates of it that occur amongst teens? What a waste of an opportunity to teach these football players how to respect others. What a waste of power, as the coach of these young men, in not educating them about basic respect in relationships or about sexual assault, and making it an explicit part of the policy of the team to refrain from disrespectful behavior toward females peers. I can hear coaches saying, “that’s not my job.” I implore coaches to recognize that it is.
Relationships, Teamwork, and Performance
Youth coaches are leaders on and off the field, whether they like it or not, whether they realize it or not. Coaches: if you teach tactics for sport, you can teach tactics for life. Teaching players how to function in relationships with teammates/peers is a basic responsibility, the sport is the vehicle for this ongoing conversation and development. Teamwork and group cohesion are basic tenets of good performance. Good relationships improve performance, we know that. How about coaches teach respect not only for teammates on the field, but teammates off the field- all peers female, male, transgendered alike. Teammates in life are fellow humans- at school, at home, in the neighborhood, at parties. Respect means no person is a thing to be abused in any way.
If coaches can control decision making about academics in a way that athletes work hard to make grades to stay eligible, they can control athletes’ perceptions and decisions about how to behave in relationships outside of sport. The player to player relationships can serve as an example. High performance comes from well functioning relationships. Clear expectations, effective motivation, clear communication, and rules for “the game” put parameters around sport that make it work by giving it direction. Those same skills apply outside of sport if we take some time as leaders and coaches to be explicit about those applications. Great coaches are not bullies, not abusive. Want to win? Win on and off the field by having great relationships with others. The theme is out there “Respect the game.” Can we add, “Respect each other”?
My Requests
Please stop the violence. Please stop using alcohol as a weapon with which to dull or obliterate decision making on the part of a victim. Stop using intoxication as an excuse for predatory behavior and sexual assault and then call it consent. To every teenager: there is no excuse to ever harm another person, to bully, to abuse, to haze, to touch sexually without consent. To coaches: there is no excuse to verbally and emotionally abuse players, nor physically abuse them as a “wake up” call to perform or try harder. To parents: there is no excuse to abuse your kids in any way or to allow coaches to abuse your kids. Respectful relationships will move us forward toward our potential and we have to practice and practice some more to be better at relationships. If you don’t know how, get some assistance and learn.
PRACTICE DRILLS: Keep repeating over and over until it’s “automatic pilot.”
• Keep encouraging girls to be strong. Please, please, please, stand up to mistreatment. Please stand up to those who put you down, please speak up to those that treat you as less than a full human being. You are not a play thing to be pissed on when passed out, you are not a plaything to be touched and violated in a sexual manner when drunk or unconscious. You are not an outsider to the males who have some kind of privilege just by being male, you are an insider in the human group, with full rights to respect, autonomy, and a voice to say yes or no to anyone touching you in the most personal of ways. If you are drunk, you can’t give a yes, and if someone violates you sexually, that is rape. That is a crime. Report it. The more women that stand up, speak up, and bring attention to sexual assault, the more we as a society cannot continue to fail to address it. As more victims/survivors speak up, the more that coaches cannot ignore the fact that they have a most important role in addressing assaultive behavior of the athletes within their reach.
• Keep encouraging boys to be strong. Please, please, please stand up to other boys when you see them violating another person, when you hear them putting girls down or harassing them. Say something. Tell them to stop. Please don’t touch a girl if she doesn’t explicitly tell you it’s ok to do so. If she’s drunk, don’t touch her. Girls are your human counterparts, you have qualities that girls have, you are not different as some may convince you to believe, not very different at all. If you respect yourself, respect them and keep your hands off of their bodies unless they tell you it’s ok. Shoe on the other foot test, if you were drunk and passed out, would you be ok with some stranger violating you? Putting genitals on you without your consent? Without control of your body or decisions, would you be ok with someone doing whatever they wanted to you? No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do it to someone else.
• Keep encouraging coaches, parents, and teachers to be strong. Please hold them to high standards of respectful behavior toward others and call them on it when they commit a “foul,” whether verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Refer to guiding principles often after they are established.
• Men who are leaders in athletes’ lives, who spend a lot of time with them, demonstrate the skill of respect toward women and practice it, just like a new football technique that will help performance. Coaches have a serious opportunity to have a major impact in how they model masculinity. How about we start to expect that coaches have training in how to address high risk behavior and gender scripting? How about they set a good example for athletes in how to treat women with equality, by starting with teaching them that sexual assault is wrong, wrong, wrong. And start preaching about female athletes and the glory and strength they bring to the athlete table as equals, deserving of respect. As Henry Rollins suggested in a recent blog, “Put women’s studies in high school curriculum from war heroes to politicians, writers, speakers, activists, revolutionaries and let young people understand that women have been kicking ass in high threat conditions for ages and they are worthy of respect.” (5)
• Male coaches, if partnered with a woman, can you talk about how you respect your wife and set good boundaries with your sport participation, showing athletes how much you value your relationship with your counterpart? Afterall, equality and respect start at home. How do you treat your wife/girlfriend? How do you talk about that person to your players? How do you show your players that that relationship is important and respected? They are watching and listening, I guarantee it.
• Coaches and administrators, let’s craft policies that govern participation and are enforced. You want to play on this team, you have to show respect for your team of fellow human beings. On and off the field, at home, and in the community. It is a privilege to play sports, not a right. To earn that privilege, you have to demonstrate that you know what good guiding principles are, in all contexts, especially at parties. Explicit education about how to behave in respectful ways is part of the team culture. Coaches usually demand that athletes respect them, how about they encourage respecting others outside of sport as a guiding principle? Hold a meeting at the beginning of any season where the guiding principles get spelled out and agreed to as a team. Mission and guiding principles are made explicit so everyone is on the same page, as a team, reinforcing each other for prosocial behavior, increasing cohesion, and improving performance.
• Guiding principles should extend to parents of athletes, and expectations for sportspersonship should apply to coaches and parents, and should be consistent with expectations for how players act outside of sport, i.e. at parties.
Coaches, please, I implore you to value the power you have over athletes, and use it to make a difference in preventing sexual assault and other high risk behavior that athletes will undoubtedly face. Football ends, sport participation ends, life lessons never do. What you teach or do not teach, will speak volumes about you for life and impact the youth you are there to serve. What kind of legacy do you want? Learn how to effectively motivate youth on and off the field to be the best they can be. And, walk the talk. You can also do better.
Conclusion
Sport is a microcosm of how we function in society. We spend a lot of time engaging with sport, because it’s fun, it builds physical and mental skills for life, because it is groundwork for how to function as a part of a team. It’s a context for leadership and learning, becoming the best person you can be. We expect athletes to practice their physical and mental skills. Let’s recognize the importance of relationship skills that inevitably help performance, in and out of sport. Poor relationships on a sport team will lead to poor performance, not moving toward potential. We cannot develop and improve as a societal team, as long as we propagate directly and indirectly, through non-action, the disrespect of others.
In the aftermath of recent accounts of rape committed by football players, we must remember that as a society, we cannot move to our potential and continue the spectrum of disrespect of women in relationships: the disrespect of a young girl on a playground; the disrespect of an intoxicated high school girl at a party; the disrespect of a college girl at a party; the disrespect of an employee at a holiday party; the disrespect of a woman who leaves a public place to get to her car; the disrespect of a woman running in a public park; the disrespect of a woman in a marriage that doesn’t wish to have sex with an abusive husband; the disrespect of a woman who dares to join the military and join the ranks of men in battle; the disrespect of a woman reporter who dares to enter a locker room filled with male players. The disrespect of humanity in any of its forms will change if we decide to keep moving to our human potential.
We demand that athletes practice for their sports if they want to participate. Can we please require coaches to practice for their roles as coaches by having them train in effective youth development and demonstrate high performance relationships, on and off the field? Please, let us call for higher standards for coaches, the figures that have so much power in their relationships with athletes. That power can be used for good and must be supported when that happens. If the score reflects a loss, but the coach taught a great lesson, parents and athletes need to appreciate that. On the other hand, power must be challenged when misused. Parents and athletes must be partners in the process, with equal voice for how to shape the sport experience for the good of humanity. It’s time to blow the whistle on the sport coach culture, there are way too many fouls. Steubenville, and Every City, U.S.A., you need to revise your practice plans for relationships drastically, ASAP. Incidents of teen athletes raping girls could be remarkably reduced, if we exert some leadership and make it part of the sport coach culture to explicitly tell players it’s not acceptable and reinforce respect for others as a guiding principle of being on the sport and human team. Coaches need some coaching, let’s get to practice.
Sources
(1) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--prosecutors-may-get-conviction-in-steubenville-rape-trial--but-it-will-come-at-a-cost-050043103.html
(2) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--prosecutors-may-get-conviction-in-steubenville-rape-trial--but-it-will-come-at-a-cost-050043103.html
(3) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--steubenville-suspects--text-messages-paint-disturbing-picture-of-night-of-alleged-rape--according-to-prosecutors-053236470.html
(4) http://www.athleticbusiness.com/editors/blog/default.aspx?id=1096 retrieved 3-19-13
(5) http://www.underthegunreview.net/2013/03/18/henry-rollins-comments-on-steubenville-rape-verdict/ retrieved 3-19-13
Sexual Assault Prevention and Coaching
Thirteen years ago, I completed my doctoral dissertation on effective sexual assault prevention strategies. I was very energized about reducing the alarming prevalence of sexual assault, not only in high school and college campus populations, but where it exists in any relationship. The way we, as a society, view relationships through the lenses of gender scripts, polarizes males and females. This polarization creates vague definitions that proscribe what it means to be a “man” and what it means to be a “woman” and how they ought to function in relationship to each other. Essentially, being a man equates to being “not a woman.” According to my literature review, these beliefs are highly correlated with attitudes that propagate sexual assault. Unfortunately, distorted notions about masculinity seem to show up in the context of sports, and coaches often are propagating these distortions. For this reason, I urge sport coaches to pay special attention to how they contribute to gender scripting, because this scripting is related to a spectrum of behavior toward females that ranges from disrespect to sexual assault.
Along with the energy that I put into transforming the culture of sexual assault, I also am passionate about the culture of sport and creating best practices for coaching. When those two interests intersect, I become extremely attentive. The Steubenville rape case calls for all of us to pay attention because incidents of rape are sadly common. I am weary of football coaches, all sport coaches, who misuse or fail to use their leadership role by not speaking up about the high prevalence of substance use and sexual assault that take place during parties they know their players attend.
Steubenville
This past weekend, 2 Steubenville, Ohio, teens were found delinquent, guilty in the adult world, of rape committed last summer. The sordid details were revealed in many media stories over the past week (1, 2, 3). The entitlement of the football athletes, the ugliness of their behavior and the advertisement of it through their cell phone text messages, pictures, and videos ended up incriminating them enough that the usual spin to attack the victim’s character was impossible.
What I find especially sickening about this, on a very personal level, is that I met with 4 leaders from Steubenville in May, 2006. I was offering training seminars to football coaches to introduce and implement a program that addressed high risk behavior, including substance use, bullying, hazing, sexual assault and gender scripting. This program was designed to leverage coaches’ positions of power to change the culture of sport by capitalizing on it’s structure. This includes:
• Working with coaches to be effective leaders and role models,
• Teaching the youth athletes how to decide upon and set core team values
• Providing the athletes and coaches with the tools to make decisions that align with those values, in and out of sport.
With some training in a comprehensive approach to behavior change and relationship building, coaches may give youth athletes the tools to make decisions that align with values decided upon by the team. This creates an intrinsic motivation to improve behavior, and refrain from high risk behavior. Coaches usually aim to improve performance: by improving performance off the field, performance improves on the field. The idea is to spend some time at the outset of a season to save time later, dealing with high risk behavior.
There was no interest in the program. I was told there was already a program of mentoring offered to the 6-8th graders. I find it upsetting that the 2 athletes convicted of rape, 16 and 17 yrs. old, were 4th and 5th graders at the time. The comprehensive culture change that I was promoting might have made a huge difference in many lives. Not to say that the program I was offering was a magic potion, but I still believe that the comprehensive culture change that I was promoting then was, and obviously still is, critically needed.
Although the teens themselves are ultimately responsible for their behavior, the culture of sport and community in which they participated certainly contributed to their faulty decision making. That culture can and needs to change in many cities. The misogynist behavior exhibited by the teens, the “above the law” mentality of the football players and their long time coach “Reno,” is particularly troubling. The Steubenville staff told me directly that they knew the culture that they were part of was problematic. This is an example of a grave lack of leadership.
Parents, Teachers, Coaches
After the verdict, the father of one of the delinquent boys announced that he felt some responsibility because he was not “there” for his son. Granted, parents are responsible for teaching youth and instilling guiding principles. At the same time, sport coaches often spend more time with youth than parents do. Some parents may do their best to instill positive values that conflict with a coach who is less than positive or even abusive, but that coach may have a greater influence. Conversely, a lot of parents may not be good examples or effective teachers, nor do they have specific training in how to be good teachers or address high risk behavior. They often may not know “what to say.” This is partly why we have educational systems in place. When coaches are part of these educational systems, they ought to be held to a higher standard of teaching and role modeling. So, are parents responsible for how their children behave? Yes. Are coaches responsible for how the youth they coach behave? Yes. They clearly influence youth in lots of ways. All of the adults- parents, teachers, and coaches are part of the sport culture.
Whether the parents of the delinquent boys were “present” or not, there was a strong “father figure” role model present in the form of the head football coach, Reno Saccoccia, not to mention the 26 other coaches involved with the Steubenville football team. There was ample opportunity to teach life lessons, especially because they knew how necessary it was. But unfortunately, the lessons taught seem to reflect the privilege and secrecy of bad behavior, afforded to football “stars” in a small town. “During last week's trial, Mays testified that Saccoccia knew about the incident and "took care of it." A grand jury will meet in mid-April to consider evidence gathered by investigators from dozens of interviews with, among others, all 27 of the football program's coaches (including junior high, freshman and volunteer coaches).” (4)
Guiding Principles, Lack Respect
That these boys lacked basic human decency in treating another human being with any kind of compassion or respect speaks to the lack of practice of basic values within their heavily practiced football skills. If they were respectful on the football field, I would expect to find that off the field. If there’s an inconsistency, the coach was responsible to point that out. The coach knows about eligibility and grades, the coach knows about parent issues and the status of families. The staff knew in 2006 when I met with them, that the players were faced with drugs, “social issues,” home life issues, and academic issues. The program they had in place was reported to pair youth with an adult mentor to give counseling, “daily” counseling I was told, and “put out fires when they come up.” I was also told that this program, while the school could refer all kids male and female, 80% were athletes “lacking role models.” The reason given for passing on the coach training and program (no charge) was “no time,” the mentoring program had 3 coaches participating, and there were only 5 coaches interested in any further training with something additional.
According to media articles, the teen football players ran rampant, could buy alcohol in town from those friendly to football, staying out past curfew, and lived a life of privileged status in terms of expectations for following rules that were often broken with no repercussions other than a wink. This privileged status certainly transferred to an understanding of relationships as something other than between equals. That understanding, or lack of understanding, certainly led these boys to treat girls as objects, “other,” an out group, without the same privileges as football players. Things. “A dead girl” to be raped.
In every article that I read as this story developed, there was mention of head coach Reno Soccaccio. As the leader of a team of youth, did he help to establish guiding principles of behavior? Did they have a code of conduct? Was it utilized, was it enforced? Did the coach have a code of conduct as a leader? Did the team of 27 football coaches have a code of conduct amongst themselves that was utilized and enforced? Did the school and administrators have a code of conduct for their athletes that was utilized and enforced? Was “respect for others” in these codes? If so, it was clearly not applied consistently or taught effectively. Did the high school educate students about sexual assault, given the high rates of it that occur amongst teens? What a waste of an opportunity to teach these football players how to respect others. What a waste of power, as the coach of these young men, in not educating them about basic respect in relationships or about sexual assault, and making it an explicit part of the policy of the team to refrain from disrespectful behavior toward females peers. I can hear coaches saying, “that’s not my job.” I implore coaches to recognize that it is.
Relationships, Teamwork, and Performance
Youth coaches are leaders on and off the field, whether they like it or not, whether they realize it or not. Coaches: if you teach tactics for sport, you can teach tactics for life. Teaching players how to function in relationships with teammates/peers is a basic responsibility, the sport is the vehicle for this ongoing conversation and development. Teamwork and group cohesion are basic tenets of good performance. Good relationships improve performance, we know that. How about coaches teach respect not only for teammates on the field, but teammates off the field- all peers female, male, transgendered alike. Teammates in life are fellow humans- at school, at home, in the neighborhood, at parties. Respect means no person is a thing to be abused in any way.
If coaches can control decision making about academics in a way that athletes work hard to make grades to stay eligible, they can control athletes’ perceptions and decisions about how to behave in relationships outside of sport. The player to player relationships can serve as an example. High performance comes from well functioning relationships. Clear expectations, effective motivation, clear communication, and rules for “the game” put parameters around sport that make it work by giving it direction. Those same skills apply outside of sport if we take some time as leaders and coaches to be explicit about those applications. Great coaches are not bullies, not abusive. Want to win? Win on and off the field by having great relationships with others. The theme is out there “Respect the game.” Can we add, “Respect each other”?
My Requests
Please stop the violence. Please stop using alcohol as a weapon with which to dull or obliterate decision making on the part of a victim. Stop using intoxication as an excuse for predatory behavior and sexual assault and then call it consent. To every teenager: there is no excuse to ever harm another person, to bully, to abuse, to haze, to touch sexually without consent. To coaches: there is no excuse to verbally and emotionally abuse players, nor physically abuse them as a “wake up” call to perform or try harder. To parents: there is no excuse to abuse your kids in any way or to allow coaches to abuse your kids. Respectful relationships will move us forward toward our potential and we have to practice and practice some more to be better at relationships. If you don’t know how, get some assistance and learn.
PRACTICE DRILLS: Keep repeating over and over until it’s “automatic pilot.”
• Keep encouraging girls to be strong. Please, please, please, stand up to mistreatment. Please stand up to those who put you down, please speak up to those that treat you as less than a full human being. You are not a play thing to be pissed on when passed out, you are not a plaything to be touched and violated in a sexual manner when drunk or unconscious. You are not an outsider to the males who have some kind of privilege just by being male, you are an insider in the human group, with full rights to respect, autonomy, and a voice to say yes or no to anyone touching you in the most personal of ways. If you are drunk, you can’t give a yes, and if someone violates you sexually, that is rape. That is a crime. Report it. The more women that stand up, speak up, and bring attention to sexual assault, the more we as a society cannot continue to fail to address it. As more victims/survivors speak up, the more that coaches cannot ignore the fact that they have a most important role in addressing assaultive behavior of the athletes within their reach.
• Keep encouraging boys to be strong. Please, please, please stand up to other boys when you see them violating another person, when you hear them putting girls down or harassing them. Say something. Tell them to stop. Please don’t touch a girl if she doesn’t explicitly tell you it’s ok to do so. If she’s drunk, don’t touch her. Girls are your human counterparts, you have qualities that girls have, you are not different as some may convince you to believe, not very different at all. If you respect yourself, respect them and keep your hands off of their bodies unless they tell you it’s ok. Shoe on the other foot test, if you were drunk and passed out, would you be ok with some stranger violating you? Putting genitals on you without your consent? Without control of your body or decisions, would you be ok with someone doing whatever they wanted to you? No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do it to someone else.
• Keep encouraging coaches, parents, and teachers to be strong. Please hold them to high standards of respectful behavior toward others and call them on it when they commit a “foul,” whether verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Refer to guiding principles often after they are established.
• Men who are leaders in athletes’ lives, who spend a lot of time with them, demonstrate the skill of respect toward women and practice it, just like a new football technique that will help performance. Coaches have a serious opportunity to have a major impact in how they model masculinity. How about we start to expect that coaches have training in how to address high risk behavior and gender scripting? How about they set a good example for athletes in how to treat women with equality, by starting with teaching them that sexual assault is wrong, wrong, wrong. And start preaching about female athletes and the glory and strength they bring to the athlete table as equals, deserving of respect. As Henry Rollins suggested in a recent blog, “Put women’s studies in high school curriculum from war heroes to politicians, writers, speakers, activists, revolutionaries and let young people understand that women have been kicking ass in high threat conditions for ages and they are worthy of respect.” (5)
• Male coaches, if partnered with a woman, can you talk about how you respect your wife and set good boundaries with your sport participation, showing athletes how much you value your relationship with your counterpart? Afterall, equality and respect start at home. How do you treat your wife/girlfriend? How do you talk about that person to your players? How do you show your players that that relationship is important and respected? They are watching and listening, I guarantee it.
• Coaches and administrators, let’s craft policies that govern participation and are enforced. You want to play on this team, you have to show respect for your team of fellow human beings. On and off the field, at home, and in the community. It is a privilege to play sports, not a right. To earn that privilege, you have to demonstrate that you know what good guiding principles are, in all contexts, especially at parties. Explicit education about how to behave in respectful ways is part of the team culture. Coaches usually demand that athletes respect them, how about they encourage respecting others outside of sport as a guiding principle? Hold a meeting at the beginning of any season where the guiding principles get spelled out and agreed to as a team. Mission and guiding principles are made explicit so everyone is on the same page, as a team, reinforcing each other for prosocial behavior, increasing cohesion, and improving performance.
• Guiding principles should extend to parents of athletes, and expectations for sportspersonship should apply to coaches and parents, and should be consistent with expectations for how players act outside of sport, i.e. at parties.
Coaches, please, I implore you to value the power you have over athletes, and use it to make a difference in preventing sexual assault and other high risk behavior that athletes will undoubtedly face. Football ends, sport participation ends, life lessons never do. What you teach or do not teach, will speak volumes about you for life and impact the youth you are there to serve. What kind of legacy do you want? Learn how to effectively motivate youth on and off the field to be the best they can be. And, walk the talk. You can also do better.
Conclusion
Sport is a microcosm of how we function in society. We spend a lot of time engaging with sport, because it’s fun, it builds physical and mental skills for life, because it is groundwork for how to function as a part of a team. It’s a context for leadership and learning, becoming the best person you can be. We expect athletes to practice their physical and mental skills. Let’s recognize the importance of relationship skills that inevitably help performance, in and out of sport. Poor relationships on a sport team will lead to poor performance, not moving toward potential. We cannot develop and improve as a societal team, as long as we propagate directly and indirectly, through non-action, the disrespect of others.
In the aftermath of recent accounts of rape committed by football players, we must remember that as a society, we cannot move to our potential and continue the spectrum of disrespect of women in relationships: the disrespect of a young girl on a playground; the disrespect of an intoxicated high school girl at a party; the disrespect of a college girl at a party; the disrespect of an employee at a holiday party; the disrespect of a woman who leaves a public place to get to her car; the disrespect of a woman running in a public park; the disrespect of a woman in a marriage that doesn’t wish to have sex with an abusive husband; the disrespect of a woman who dares to join the military and join the ranks of men in battle; the disrespect of a woman reporter who dares to enter a locker room filled with male players. The disrespect of humanity in any of its forms will change if we decide to keep moving to our human potential.
We demand that athletes practice for their sports if they want to participate. Can we please require coaches to practice for their roles as coaches by having them train in effective youth development and demonstrate high performance relationships, on and off the field? Please, let us call for higher standards for coaches, the figures that have so much power in their relationships with athletes. That power can be used for good and must be supported when that happens. If the score reflects a loss, but the coach taught a great lesson, parents and athletes need to appreciate that. On the other hand, power must be challenged when misused. Parents and athletes must be partners in the process, with equal voice for how to shape the sport experience for the good of humanity. It’s time to blow the whistle on the sport coach culture, there are way too many fouls. Steubenville, and Every City, U.S.A., you need to revise your practice plans for relationships drastically, ASAP. Incidents of teen athletes raping girls could be remarkably reduced, if we exert some leadership and make it part of the sport coach culture to explicitly tell players it’s not acceptable and reinforce respect for others as a guiding principle of being on the sport and human team. Coaches need some coaching, let’s get to practice.
Sources
(1) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--prosecutors-may-get-conviction-in-steubenville-rape-trial--but-it-will-come-at-a-cost-050043103.html
(2) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--prosecutors-may-get-conviction-in-steubenville-rape-trial--but-it-will-come-at-a-cost-050043103.html
(3) http://sports.yahoo.com/news/highschool--steubenville-suspects--text-messages-paint-disturbing-picture-of-night-of-alleged-rape--according-to-prosecutors-053236470.html
(4) http://www.athleticbusiness.com/editors/blog/default.aspx?id=1096 retrieved 3-19-13
(5) http://www.underthegunreview.net/2013/03/18/henry-rollins-comments-on-steubenville-rape-verdict/ retrieved 3-19-13
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Optimal Experience: Storm of Compassion
Given ongoing news headlines about cruelty to animals, people and environments in crisis, war torn countries, mistreatment, and general malaise, I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to do something about these sufferings. Closer than headlines, I witnessed a man killed by a drunk driver at a street festival directly in front of me. So close, it could have been me. As I was running the next day, pondering my near death, I felt such powerful energy in my heart, and was reminded how fleeting is this precious life. I committed to do a 24 hour ultra run as a way to honor that man’s life and all of life, as I felt the pain and pleasure of life in my heart. Like the discomfort and pleasure of running, this feeling calls and expands me. As helpless as I sometimes feel to do anything about worldly struggles, I decided I could at least hold a space of kindness for 24 hrs. as a way to tell the universe, “I’m here, use me for good, I feel this pain of compassion. I can do something.” I did do something. The compassion I felt was as tangible as my running, because I shared it with others. The event and the running were elements of an expansive storm of compassion, leading to an optimal experience of sacred activism.
Some may shake their heads in disbelief at the thought of running for 24 hours, or doing anything for a solid 24 hours for that matter, but people do it and for different reasons. A 24 hour ultra run contains the challenge of covering as much distance as possible within 24 hours of time. It can be considered an impossible hardship by some, but for others it’s a worthy physical and mental challenge that may create a profound, life changing experience- an optimal experience. I believe compassion is a main ingredient in optimal experiences, whether running, working, or making apple pie. Sharing that compassion makes it even more powerful and I write about the “24” as a way to share it further.
Compassion: Co-Suffering
Holding compassion and loving-kindness in my heart for as much of the 24 hours as possible, I believed that my experience of the event would be enhanced, and my performance would also improve. Turning the day of running into an exercise in loving-kindness meditation, I intended to hold all the suffering I could think of, my own and that of others’, for the duration while consistently sending kindness to it. That, I believed, would keep me going no matter what physical discomfort or breakdowns might occur.
Let’s get clear about what I was holding in my awareness. According to wikipedia:
“Compassion is the virtue of empathy for the suffering of others. It is regarded as a fundamental part of human love, and a cornerstone of greater social interconnection and humanism —foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood.”
“Compassion is often regarded as emotional in nature, and there is an aspect of compassion which regards a quantitative dimension, such that individual's compassion is often given a property of "depth," "vigor," or "passion." The etymology of "compassion" is Latin, meaning "co-suffering." More virtuous than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism.”
Compassion as a practice can be thought of as Sacred Activisim. Andrew Harvey (2009) suggested that the core message of all the world’s spiritual revelation is that “lasting happiness springs from only true love of the Divine, the world, others, and a true love that expresses itself tirelessly in wise and compassionate action, and can lead not only to lasting inner joy but also to profound transformation of outer reality.” I resonate with this, I’m all about transformation!
Harvey goes on to say that a Sacred Activist is someone who experiences the joy and effectiveness of compassionate service. Acting from deepest compassion and wisdom, a Sacred Activist is someone who is committed to being a “tiny ripple of hope” and a “center of energy and daring” in the face of chaos, suffering, and violence. Yes! I want to be that! The vision of Sacred Activism includes going through danger and difficulty with a “tender heart, peaceful mind, and an increasingly supple and loving body, and a passionate, restless hunger to do all you can to preserve human and animal life on earth.” I’d like to think that my desire to participate and my experience of the “24” was a lab for the skills of the Sacred Activist.
Compassion “Lab” Examples
There was intermittent rain for about 18 hours of the 24. The winds were strong gusts at times, blowing runners’ tents, gear, and crew around. The temperatures dropped to low 40°F during the night. 6.5 hours into the race, a severe hail storm hit that required staying centered through focus. The race director was announcing to all runners to proceed at their own risk and advising all to take cover. I pressed on. I opened my arms wide and breathed it all in, thinking to myself, “I love this experience, I am lucky to be able to do this.” One of my crew members caught up and gave me some gloves, both the warmth of the gloves he offered and his own helped me to be happy and smile amidst “terrible” weather. I kept returning to my focus on compassion, the warmth was inside, no matter what was going on around me, and it was enhanced by the warmth that I shared with a co-compassioner. Tender heart.
Each time it rained, I thought how much I love rain and felt happy. At the same time, I was concerned about my crew and hoped that each of them was ok, whenever I passed and had a moment with one of them, I’d ask how all the others were doing. I didn’t want them to suffer on my behalf, but knew they probably were struggling in the inclement weather. Co-suffering. Compassion for my crew and supporters was present for the duration of the event.
At my lowest mental spot, I began to question if it was compassionate toward myself to keep going. I knew this was a temporary discussion with myself and would pass. “No, the compassion is not for myself right now, I want it to be for others and I will keep going for all those who suffer, as I planned.” Yes of course, compassion for self, but my energy widened when I shifted to compassion for others. It was at this time that another member of my crew joined me for some laps, his presence and his blistered feet marked his compassion and co-suffering.
Despite my careful nutritional planning and practicing with all sources during training, something happened around the 8 hour mark. This is where I struggled the most to hold compassion- toward my GI tract. I was frustrated that I had to keep stopping to use the bathroom for fear of “losing it,” and losing precious running time. Then I thought of all the people who suffer with hardships of all sorts, drug problems, depression, anxiety, marital issues, things they think they can’t bear and fear “losing it” in other ways. I kept going and made friends with losing it. I just kept going. The storms of weather and my belly just gave me more opportunity to go deeper into compassion for others who suffer, as I brought them to my awareness over and over again. I sent kindness to them and thanked my GI tract for giving me the opportunity to practice more.
As much as I can describe my individual experience, as all of us who ran the race could, what stands out to me most is that all of my efforts were really not my own. As much as I sent love to my muscles, embraced the hail, the rain, the wind, the cold, I felt the embrace of the people around me, my crew/supporters and others with whom I had the pleasure to briefly connect. This was truly the embodiment of compassion. I kept feeling love for the Divine and others who were there with me- my crew, fellow runners, volunteers, passersby.
My goal of holding compassion for 24 hrs. was something that naturally enlisted others to do the same, the “tiny ripple” of sacred activism. There was a rawness to what was happening outside of the physical terrain. My crew was “dialed in” to me, especially because of the weather conditions and hardship of it, and I could feel it. It energized me. I felt my raw sore heart more deeply because I had co-conspirators and witnesses. There were people who cared about me enough to brave the conditions with me, and that grew my energy. I hoped to make a difference by holding those who suffer in mind, maybe not directly changing their situations, but creating a space of energy for them, an expansion of awareness. That space of energy in the face of the difficulty of the race and weather, created a ripple of compassion that was directly experienced by those around me. I know that ripple expanded wide to others who weren’t present at the race. That is Sacred Activism. We all had heightened awareness and an energy to “do” something more in the spirit of compassion that went beyond the running event. How can I take this energy and help humanity?
As night gave way to the morning, and the final hours of the event were ticking by, supporters showed up with coffee and donuts. Again, I felt the strength of their presence and was grateful for support. At one point, I tapped my heart and pointed to two of my friends and sent them love. As I strode by, I heard one of them say she might cry. I felt that connection, strongly. It gave me energy in final laps, so much so that I sprinted the final lap as my co-compassioners joined me.
Elements of Optimal Experience: Sharing, Centering, Challenging
Sharing Compassion
As I described in the examples above, the compassion focus helped to create the best possible experience for me. It anchored me amidst the stormy weather and the storm in my body. Because this was my focus, it became the focus of my crew as well (the people who were there to assist me with gear, hydration/nutrition, first aid, and general support). Despite the inclement weather, we all had a fantastic experience together as a team. I could see and feel the contagion of positivity spread to others around us. Sharing the experience made it optimal and sacred.
Centering on Compassion
Finding balance within, or remaining present and centered, no matter what is going on in or around you, is an element of what is termed “optimal experience” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Some find this place when they push on their perceived limits, transcending themselves and somehow feeling more fully alive and awake. Choosing to focus and concentrate on what you want to, you filter what you want to pay attention to from what you don’t. You could think of centered as being able to manage your energy, or manage yourself despite what is happening around you. The process of the continued efforts to do this are what is satisfying, or makes people feel “happy.” My continued focus on compassion made me feel happy even in hail, rain, cold, and cramping conditions. Compassion was a strong anchor for centering, more strong, I believe, than any other goals I have entertained during running in the past.
No matter what role you are playing (athlete, parent, business person), when you are centered and clear about your purpose, the larger mission, the reason for engaging in the activity in the first place, you enjoy it more. When athletes learn to control their minds during sport activities, they put order to consciousness. This ordering makes it possible to enjoy the activity at hand whatever it is, and have an optimal experience- big enjoyment! With enjoyment, performance improves. I created that necessary order by focusing on compassion, and I know that my performance was enhanced. I had a clear mission and goals (24 hours for compassion, 100 miles, injury free), was immersed in the activity, and was very present and focused each step of the way as much as possible. Running for 24 hrs. was a great opportunity to test how much enjoyment could be derived from things that might seem temporarily “terrible”!
Challenges with Compassion
Cultivating optimal experience is knowing how to see challenges as opportunities rather than as threats. There were many challenges within the 24 hours, and I can tell you it was most definitely a standout optimal experience because of these. There was the terrible hail storm that shredded the emergency rain poncho I was wearing. There was heavy rain. There was high wind. There was cold, I couldn’t feel my hands for awhile. I had muscles screaming at me. These were challenges that I met “head on.” I want to emphasize that I believe it wasn’t just what I did personally to manage these things that gave me an optimal experience, it was the shared experience with my crew and others. I felt connected to them, and in that connection I felt connected to the larger web of life, the Divine. With that, it was almost easy to keep framing and re-framing my experience as a welcome challenge, rather than a hardship. It is fitting that the elements were strong as we witnessed to each other in the fury of a storm, the literal one in Cleveland, and the metaphorical one that exists around us in the news and daily lives.
Conclusion
I’ve published other articles about how running and sports teach us about and give us practice in relationship work. Although I draw from scientific and scholarly materials, what I share in these articles is, in part, my personal experience as another form of data. Here is what I learned from this “24.”
The “24” is a challenge I enjoyed. Two years ago, I used it as a way to push my physical limits and see how deeply I could go “inside,” go somewhere spiritually divine because of the physical experience. This time, I wanted to use the time to simply embody compassion as much as possible. Yes, of course, there was the running, the preparation, the nutrition. Those were a context for a grand focus on compassion. The spiritual experience was the main event this time, not just a by-product of the physical push. My intention to connect to compassion made the running enjoyable even when it was physically very uncomfortable. I had an outcome goal of 100 miles in mind that I was prepared for, but that was secondary to the compassion task. Rather than peak or optimal performance, my focus was compassion which I think led to both optimal experience and optimal performance. My results showed me that focus on experience rather than performance, does indeed improve performance. And more importantly, there was a process in place that created energy for transformation internally and externally that fits with sacred activism.
I can say without question, that this last running endeavor showed me truly about the power of shared energy, co-suffering, compassion. The energy of my heart to keep going was fueled by the hearts of those around me. I was happy to be there, happy to be alive, I was happy to see the faces of my people each time I completed a lap, happy to see the event volunteers, the timing guy keeping track of all my work, happy to be in the elements, and happy to see other runners on the challenge. I was happy because I was working hard toward that 24 hour mark with a team of people around me and it was all rooted in the “passion of compassion.” Although I carry compassion as consistently as possible in my daily life, this event deepened my experience of it. You don’t have to run for 24 hours to access this, it’s a moment by moment awareness and re-focusing. Compassion is powerful and can bring energy to accomplishing things you might not think possible- especially when you have “co-compassioners,” or like-hearted individuals around you. Your team is important. Your mission is important. Know what it is.
When I felt myself start to suffer physically, I thought of shelter dogs, people who suffer in war, people who suffer in poverty, people who suffer with pain of immobility, people who suffer with anxiety and depression, or painful relationships. I held all of that suffering tight like a sweet baby, and I told her, “It’s all ok, I’m here for you. I have endless kindness for you and all your brothers and sisters.” My own suffering disappeared again, gone. And only my raw, sore, tender heart was in my awareness, again, and again. Each time I passed my crew it would expand, as I touched them with my eyes and smile inside and out. With that connection, I felt the happy/sad, tender heart flooding out of me. It made me want to run faster even when my body was resisting. This personal and shared storm of compassion was, by far, the most powerful element of the day, far more powerful than hail, rain, and winds. In fact, those storms brought me to THE optimal experience- Love. Love for self, for other, for life, for the world and for all good transformational suffering. Oh, and divine running.
Whether a running event, volunteering time, being the best partner in a relationship, daily work, or baking apple pie, I call you to find something Divine that makes you feel useful, gives you joy, and places you in the role of a Sacred Activist. It’s time to transform. “Sacred Activists are being invited to realize, not only the joy and meaning that comes from being truly useful to others, but something even more transformative. They are being invited to experience for themselves, how, when human beings turn consciously to the Divine in whatever form they know it and dedicate themselves humbly to a transformation that can make them instruments of Divine Love, they become individual, living fields of Divine Grace-empty vessels that can be filled with Divine Power that can seem wondrous, even miraculous, to others.” (Harvey, 2009, 13)
Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper Collins: New York, New York.
Harvey, A. (2009). The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism. Hayhouse, Inc.: Carlsbad, CA.
Some may shake their heads in disbelief at the thought of running for 24 hours, or doing anything for a solid 24 hours for that matter, but people do it and for different reasons. A 24 hour ultra run contains the challenge of covering as much distance as possible within 24 hours of time. It can be considered an impossible hardship by some, but for others it’s a worthy physical and mental challenge that may create a profound, life changing experience- an optimal experience. I believe compassion is a main ingredient in optimal experiences, whether running, working, or making apple pie. Sharing that compassion makes it even more powerful and I write about the “24” as a way to share it further.
Compassion: Co-Suffering
Holding compassion and loving-kindness in my heart for as much of the 24 hours as possible, I believed that my experience of the event would be enhanced, and my performance would also improve. Turning the day of running into an exercise in loving-kindness meditation, I intended to hold all the suffering I could think of, my own and that of others’, for the duration while consistently sending kindness to it. That, I believed, would keep me going no matter what physical discomfort or breakdowns might occur.
Let’s get clear about what I was holding in my awareness. According to wikipedia:
“Compassion is the virtue of empathy for the suffering of others. It is regarded as a fundamental part of human love, and a cornerstone of greater social interconnection and humanism —foundational to the highest principles in philosophy, society, and personhood.”
“Compassion is often regarded as emotional in nature, and there is an aspect of compassion which regards a quantitative dimension, such that individual's compassion is often given a property of "depth," "vigor," or "passion." The etymology of "compassion" is Latin, meaning "co-suffering." More virtuous than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism.”
Compassion as a practice can be thought of as Sacred Activisim. Andrew Harvey (2009) suggested that the core message of all the world’s spiritual revelation is that “lasting happiness springs from only true love of the Divine, the world, others, and a true love that expresses itself tirelessly in wise and compassionate action, and can lead not only to lasting inner joy but also to profound transformation of outer reality.” I resonate with this, I’m all about transformation!
Harvey goes on to say that a Sacred Activist is someone who experiences the joy and effectiveness of compassionate service. Acting from deepest compassion and wisdom, a Sacred Activist is someone who is committed to being a “tiny ripple of hope” and a “center of energy and daring” in the face of chaos, suffering, and violence. Yes! I want to be that! The vision of Sacred Activism includes going through danger and difficulty with a “tender heart, peaceful mind, and an increasingly supple and loving body, and a passionate, restless hunger to do all you can to preserve human and animal life on earth.” I’d like to think that my desire to participate and my experience of the “24” was a lab for the skills of the Sacred Activist.
Compassion “Lab” Examples
There was intermittent rain for about 18 hours of the 24. The winds were strong gusts at times, blowing runners’ tents, gear, and crew around. The temperatures dropped to low 40°F during the night. 6.5 hours into the race, a severe hail storm hit that required staying centered through focus. The race director was announcing to all runners to proceed at their own risk and advising all to take cover. I pressed on. I opened my arms wide and breathed it all in, thinking to myself, “I love this experience, I am lucky to be able to do this.” One of my crew members caught up and gave me some gloves, both the warmth of the gloves he offered and his own helped me to be happy and smile amidst “terrible” weather. I kept returning to my focus on compassion, the warmth was inside, no matter what was going on around me, and it was enhanced by the warmth that I shared with a co-compassioner. Tender heart.
Each time it rained, I thought how much I love rain and felt happy. At the same time, I was concerned about my crew and hoped that each of them was ok, whenever I passed and had a moment with one of them, I’d ask how all the others were doing. I didn’t want them to suffer on my behalf, but knew they probably were struggling in the inclement weather. Co-suffering. Compassion for my crew and supporters was present for the duration of the event.
At my lowest mental spot, I began to question if it was compassionate toward myself to keep going. I knew this was a temporary discussion with myself and would pass. “No, the compassion is not for myself right now, I want it to be for others and I will keep going for all those who suffer, as I planned.” Yes of course, compassion for self, but my energy widened when I shifted to compassion for others. It was at this time that another member of my crew joined me for some laps, his presence and his blistered feet marked his compassion and co-suffering.
Despite my careful nutritional planning and practicing with all sources during training, something happened around the 8 hour mark. This is where I struggled the most to hold compassion- toward my GI tract. I was frustrated that I had to keep stopping to use the bathroom for fear of “losing it,” and losing precious running time. Then I thought of all the people who suffer with hardships of all sorts, drug problems, depression, anxiety, marital issues, things they think they can’t bear and fear “losing it” in other ways. I kept going and made friends with losing it. I just kept going. The storms of weather and my belly just gave me more opportunity to go deeper into compassion for others who suffer, as I brought them to my awareness over and over again. I sent kindness to them and thanked my GI tract for giving me the opportunity to practice more.
As much as I can describe my individual experience, as all of us who ran the race could, what stands out to me most is that all of my efforts were really not my own. As much as I sent love to my muscles, embraced the hail, the rain, the wind, the cold, I felt the embrace of the people around me, my crew/supporters and others with whom I had the pleasure to briefly connect. This was truly the embodiment of compassion. I kept feeling love for the Divine and others who were there with me- my crew, fellow runners, volunteers, passersby.
My goal of holding compassion for 24 hrs. was something that naturally enlisted others to do the same, the “tiny ripple” of sacred activism. There was a rawness to what was happening outside of the physical terrain. My crew was “dialed in” to me, especially because of the weather conditions and hardship of it, and I could feel it. It energized me. I felt my raw sore heart more deeply because I had co-conspirators and witnesses. There were people who cared about me enough to brave the conditions with me, and that grew my energy. I hoped to make a difference by holding those who suffer in mind, maybe not directly changing their situations, but creating a space of energy for them, an expansion of awareness. That space of energy in the face of the difficulty of the race and weather, created a ripple of compassion that was directly experienced by those around me. I know that ripple expanded wide to others who weren’t present at the race. That is Sacred Activism. We all had heightened awareness and an energy to “do” something more in the spirit of compassion that went beyond the running event. How can I take this energy and help humanity?
As night gave way to the morning, and the final hours of the event were ticking by, supporters showed up with coffee and donuts. Again, I felt the strength of their presence and was grateful for support. At one point, I tapped my heart and pointed to two of my friends and sent them love. As I strode by, I heard one of them say she might cry. I felt that connection, strongly. It gave me energy in final laps, so much so that I sprinted the final lap as my co-compassioners joined me.
Elements of Optimal Experience: Sharing, Centering, Challenging
Sharing Compassion
As I described in the examples above, the compassion focus helped to create the best possible experience for me. It anchored me amidst the stormy weather and the storm in my body. Because this was my focus, it became the focus of my crew as well (the people who were there to assist me with gear, hydration/nutrition, first aid, and general support). Despite the inclement weather, we all had a fantastic experience together as a team. I could see and feel the contagion of positivity spread to others around us. Sharing the experience made it optimal and sacred.
Centering on Compassion
Finding balance within, or remaining present and centered, no matter what is going on in or around you, is an element of what is termed “optimal experience” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Some find this place when they push on their perceived limits, transcending themselves and somehow feeling more fully alive and awake. Choosing to focus and concentrate on what you want to, you filter what you want to pay attention to from what you don’t. You could think of centered as being able to manage your energy, or manage yourself despite what is happening around you. The process of the continued efforts to do this are what is satisfying, or makes people feel “happy.” My continued focus on compassion made me feel happy even in hail, rain, cold, and cramping conditions. Compassion was a strong anchor for centering, more strong, I believe, than any other goals I have entertained during running in the past.
No matter what role you are playing (athlete, parent, business person), when you are centered and clear about your purpose, the larger mission, the reason for engaging in the activity in the first place, you enjoy it more. When athletes learn to control their minds during sport activities, they put order to consciousness. This ordering makes it possible to enjoy the activity at hand whatever it is, and have an optimal experience- big enjoyment! With enjoyment, performance improves. I created that necessary order by focusing on compassion, and I know that my performance was enhanced. I had a clear mission and goals (24 hours for compassion, 100 miles, injury free), was immersed in the activity, and was very present and focused each step of the way as much as possible. Running for 24 hrs. was a great opportunity to test how much enjoyment could be derived from things that might seem temporarily “terrible”!
Challenges with Compassion
Cultivating optimal experience is knowing how to see challenges as opportunities rather than as threats. There were many challenges within the 24 hours, and I can tell you it was most definitely a standout optimal experience because of these. There was the terrible hail storm that shredded the emergency rain poncho I was wearing. There was heavy rain. There was high wind. There was cold, I couldn’t feel my hands for awhile. I had muscles screaming at me. These were challenges that I met “head on.” I want to emphasize that I believe it wasn’t just what I did personally to manage these things that gave me an optimal experience, it was the shared experience with my crew and others. I felt connected to them, and in that connection I felt connected to the larger web of life, the Divine. With that, it was almost easy to keep framing and re-framing my experience as a welcome challenge, rather than a hardship. It is fitting that the elements were strong as we witnessed to each other in the fury of a storm, the literal one in Cleveland, and the metaphorical one that exists around us in the news and daily lives.
Conclusion
I’ve published other articles about how running and sports teach us about and give us practice in relationship work. Although I draw from scientific and scholarly materials, what I share in these articles is, in part, my personal experience as another form of data. Here is what I learned from this “24.”
The “24” is a challenge I enjoyed. Two years ago, I used it as a way to push my physical limits and see how deeply I could go “inside,” go somewhere spiritually divine because of the physical experience. This time, I wanted to use the time to simply embody compassion as much as possible. Yes, of course, there was the running, the preparation, the nutrition. Those were a context for a grand focus on compassion. The spiritual experience was the main event this time, not just a by-product of the physical push. My intention to connect to compassion made the running enjoyable even when it was physically very uncomfortable. I had an outcome goal of 100 miles in mind that I was prepared for, but that was secondary to the compassion task. Rather than peak or optimal performance, my focus was compassion which I think led to both optimal experience and optimal performance. My results showed me that focus on experience rather than performance, does indeed improve performance. And more importantly, there was a process in place that created energy for transformation internally and externally that fits with sacred activism.
I can say without question, that this last running endeavor showed me truly about the power of shared energy, co-suffering, compassion. The energy of my heart to keep going was fueled by the hearts of those around me. I was happy to be there, happy to be alive, I was happy to see the faces of my people each time I completed a lap, happy to see the event volunteers, the timing guy keeping track of all my work, happy to be in the elements, and happy to see other runners on the challenge. I was happy because I was working hard toward that 24 hour mark with a team of people around me and it was all rooted in the “passion of compassion.” Although I carry compassion as consistently as possible in my daily life, this event deepened my experience of it. You don’t have to run for 24 hours to access this, it’s a moment by moment awareness and re-focusing. Compassion is powerful and can bring energy to accomplishing things you might not think possible- especially when you have “co-compassioners,” or like-hearted individuals around you. Your team is important. Your mission is important. Know what it is.
When I felt myself start to suffer physically, I thought of shelter dogs, people who suffer in war, people who suffer in poverty, people who suffer with pain of immobility, people who suffer with anxiety and depression, or painful relationships. I held all of that suffering tight like a sweet baby, and I told her, “It’s all ok, I’m here for you. I have endless kindness for you and all your brothers and sisters.” My own suffering disappeared again, gone. And only my raw, sore, tender heart was in my awareness, again, and again. Each time I passed my crew it would expand, as I touched them with my eyes and smile inside and out. With that connection, I felt the happy/sad, tender heart flooding out of me. It made me want to run faster even when my body was resisting. This personal and shared storm of compassion was, by far, the most powerful element of the day, far more powerful than hail, rain, and winds. In fact, those storms brought me to THE optimal experience- Love. Love for self, for other, for life, for the world and for all good transformational suffering. Oh, and divine running.
Whether a running event, volunteering time, being the best partner in a relationship, daily work, or baking apple pie, I call you to find something Divine that makes you feel useful, gives you joy, and places you in the role of a Sacred Activist. It’s time to transform. “Sacred Activists are being invited to realize, not only the joy and meaning that comes from being truly useful to others, but something even more transformative. They are being invited to experience for themselves, how, when human beings turn consciously to the Divine in whatever form they know it and dedicate themselves humbly to a transformation that can make them instruments of Divine Love, they become individual, living fields of Divine Grace-empty vessels that can be filled with Divine Power that can seem wondrous, even miraculous, to others.” (Harvey, 2009, 13)
Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper Collins: New York, New York.
Harvey, A. (2009). The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism. Hayhouse, Inc.: Carlsbad, CA.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Breaking Burnout
Are you logging a lot of miles driving to sport practices and competitions, eating dinner and/or doing homework during the rides? And don’t really like to? Are you constantly scheduling multiple team practices and games at the expense of other non-sport activities that you feel like you miss? Are you tired of a sport you once enjoyed? Is it no longer fun? Do you feel run down from running so much? Rigorous training schedules can stretch you to your limits. Olympians and 8 year olds alike need to rest at times. But knowing when it’s time to push and time to rest can be tricky. Coaches, parents, and athletes themselves often go beyond a level of activity and intensity that actually sustains or improves performance. The coach, the parent, and the athlete may say that they are driving toward having best performance, or teaching youth about discipline, but patterns of overtraining can lead to staleness, underperforming, and even burnout and depression.
The demands of sport are part of what make it fun and enjoyable, a flow activity. But, demands can become overwhelming. Many coaches have expectations about activity and intensity that create burnout in athletes rather than improved or best performances. A big factor in burnout comes from coach and parent messages, athletes may internalize these and carry them in and out of sport to adulthood. These may include inappropriate expectations and overemphasis on rankings or winning. Pressure, perfectionism, and physical demands of training may lead to physical and psychological stress, and this turns into burnout over time when it is too much for the individual and the stress is unmanaged.
Many of you know burned out athletes, or maybe you are one, yourself. Some current data supports that burnout is experienced by many athletes. Various research studies conclude: 72% of college athletes reported staleness during their seasons, 47% reported burnout at some point during their college sport career; at least 60% of elite distance runners had at least one episode of staleness in their running careers, and 30% of sub-elite but highly trained runners experienced burnout; individual athlete sports may be related to higher levels of burnout than team sports; once you get stale, you are more likely to be stale again; coaches and trainers are at a high risk for burnout, much like the athletes they assist (Weinberg & Gould, 2011). Based on the literature, experience working with athletes, and my own athletic experience, burnout is common. Sport performance suffers- most athletes want to be doing their best, that’s not possible if they’re struggling with burnout. We all want to enjoy ourselves in life, sport is an avenue for that. Without awareness of symptoms that suggest it’s all too much, sport can create more suffering than enjoyment.
So let’s get our terms clear. What exactly are overtraining, staleness, burnout, and related concepts?
Definitions
Individualized Training
One skill that gives an athlete an edge over competitors is arousal management. Athletes that can manage their energy, being aware of what is just the right amount of excitement, the right amount of calm and relaxation, at the right times, will be able to channel energy into their performance in a way that enhances it. For example, some athletes need to be very cool and quiet prior to competition, some need to talk and be loud and move around a lot. Each has an optimal level of arousal that readies them to perform at their best. Similar to this, managing energy in terms of practice sessions and training is equally important. What is negative overtraining for one athlete, may be an optimal training zone for another. This is why it is so important for parents, coaches, and trainers to individualize training programs- some athletes will need more rest than others in order to have optimal performances. The individual athlete has to have a say about activity level and intensity.
Periodized training
This is the strategy of engaging in high volume and high intensity training loads, followed by lower training loads, a.k.a. rest or taper. The goal is to condition oneself so that performance peaks at a specific date or time frame, for a race or competition. The trick is to slowly increase the load so that optimal adaptation occurs and injury and staleness do not. For those who may be negatively addicted (see definition below) to exercise, tapering and rest may be very difficult.
Overtraining
A few days to a few weeks of excessive training loads that are at or near maximal capacity, max efforts. Overload creates adaptation, after rest and recovery, resulting in more strength or fitness and improved performance. If training volume is too much, if there’s too much stress (constant soreness, negative coaching behavior, parental pressure, work stress, family issues, etc.), or lack of rest, overtraining will instead lead to deteriorated performance. So overloading can lead to gains or losses in performance, as well as no changes at all. Negative overtraining first leads to staleness, then to burnout. The right amount of overtraining varies highly by the individual, so what leads to improved performance for one athlete, may decrease another’s.
Positive vs. negative exercise addiction
Positive exercise addiction means one incorporates fitness into a daily routine and this enhances quality of life, while not interfering with other important things such as family, relationships, work, etc. Some refer to it as a “healthy habit.” Negative addiction to exercise means one is consumed by exercise and fitness at the expense of well being. An exercise addict will continue exercise activity even when injury could be made worse, and when it is interfering with work and social relationships to the extent that everything “takes a backseat” to the exercise. There is tolerance and withdrawal, for example longer and longer distances in running to get the same feeling, and mood disorder symptoms present when one has to stop temporarily (i.e., injury, taper, rest). Tension, restless, irritable, depressed, relationship problems, and guilt may be present when someone who is negatively addicted to exercise can’t exercise. These athletes are usually aware that they have a compulsion to workout.
Staleness- “I’m tired, I can’t seem to get the job done in the last few games/races.”
Stale means having a hard time training in the usual way, performance is suffering. It usually results from overtraining, coincides with a reduction in performance for 2 weeks or more, and fails to improve even after short term breaks or reduced intensity training. The main behavioral sign of staleness is impaired performance. The main psychological symptoms include disturbance in mood (angry, irritable, flat, lethargic) and increase in perceptual effort during exercise. Practice and fitness seem harder than they used to be. Symptoms of depression may be present.
Signs and Symptoms of Staleness:
Poor performance, apathy, lethargy, sleep disturbance, weight loss, elevated resting heart rate/blood pressure, muscle pain or soreness, mood changes, GI disturbances, slow recovery from exertion, loss appetite, overuse injuries, immune system deficiency/getting colds more frequently, loss of concentration
Burnout- “Don’t want to do it, don’t like it, and leave me alone.”
Physical, emotional, and social withdrawal from a formerly enjoyable activity signify burnout is on the scene. It’s characterized by exhaustion, reduced sense of accomplishment, and devaluing the sport of choice. Chronic stress due to an imbalance in what is expected of the athlete and their real or perceived capability is related to burnout as well as changes in motivational orientations. People experience a loss of energy, loss of interest in things, low job productivity, feeling like a failure, depression, emotional numbness. They tend to stop caring about the sport and what is important to them within it.
There appear to be 2 strains of burnout: 1) social psychological- athlete perfectionism or situational pressures/other pressure are the big factors. Stress results from expectations to win in an effort to please others and feel worthy; 2) physically driven- just can’t meet the demands of physical training, leading to physical and psychological stress, and then burnout.
Signs and symptoms of Burnout:
Low motivation/energy, concentration problems, loss of desire to play/practice/train, lack of caring, sleep disturbance, physical and mental exhaustion, lowered self-esteem, negative affect, mood changes, substance abuse/more drinking than usual, changes in values/beliefs, emotional isolation/social withdrawal, increased anxiety, more highs and lows than usual
Case Study- Darla S.
Double axel, camel spins, pairs lifts, tango dance routines. I was a competitive artistic rollerskater from the time I was 7 yrs. old until I retired at the ripe old age of 16. My practice schedule was daily, right after school until 7 p.m. Weekends were filled with practice- midnight to noon sessions on both Saturday and Sunday, sometimes a little shorter, sometimes with afternoon practices added. With such a high volume of intense training, I can speak from experience about how negative overtraining leads to burnout. I remember feeling it at the age of 8.
In my skating days, I spent a lot of time in burnout mode. More breaks from burnout may have helped me be a better skater and maybe I wouldn’t have hung up my skates in the way I did, totally cut off. Aside from the effects on my sport performance, my understanding of relationships was also impacted by the experience of unattended burnout. I share this to show an example of how sports, coaches, and burnout impact youth development and athletes into adulthood, beyond sport performance. So, yes, the effect of burnout on sport performance is clear and important to monitor, but it can have some other far reaching effects.
My youth was almost entirely spent practicing a sport for which I really had little love. I remember many discussions about “quitting” for various reasons along the way- financial, coaching issues, etc. The toll that the years of intensive training took on me was physical and emotional as I consistently got the message, “Keep going, no matter what.” The power of this pattern of thinking in my sport experience groomed my discipline and perseverance. But it also led me to engage in relationships about practicing and working hard, whether there was true love there or not, whether it was good for me or not. I have been in relationships where I felt like (gasp) a “quitter” if I wanted to end the relationship, rather than see that it’s ok to retire and even quit something that’s not good for me. The “never quit” aspect of skating in formative years translated to my frame around relationships- suffer and work hard no matter what, keep going. I believe this stemmed not only from high volume, negative overload training, but from the relationship that I was in with my coach, full of pressure to continue with skating and with him as my coach, despite the suffering.
Burnout in sport clearly grows within the context of relationships, whether it’s a relationship with coach, parent, the self. When the focus is overly placed on externals (winning, performance, training), at the expense of internals (satisfaction, enjoyment, competence, choice)- these can exacerbate the drain on the athlete’s energy and strain the relationship. Intimate partners, like athletes and their sport, function well when they are together out of choice, rather than feel they are trapped and have to remain together. There needs to be a dialogue among all parties occurring, asking, “What do we need to do to best support this particular athlete, at this particular time?” that includes the athlete and the potential to choose to exit or change the relationship with the sport in terms of its intensity.
Being able to assert when I want to work hard, when I need to rest, when I want to stop altogether is a valuable lesson that I learned after years of experience of pushing through burnout. By giving youth more control over their experience, they can notice and appreciate their limits, while still pushing them for better performance. This translates into multiple life lessons, one of which is learning to pay attention to individual needs and asserting those as important, rather than perhaps, keep going at all costs, including personal well being. “No pain, no gain” is distorted thinking.
The Practice of Breaking Burnout
Burnout occurs over time and it is something that can be reversed. Here are some suggestions for how to address it.
Get some help, “coaching”
It can be difficult to figure out if burnout exists because of your sport or other things in your life, past or present. Depression and/or anxiety may pre-date the burnout or they may be a symptom of it. Talking with a professional who can help sort out the variables involved can potentially help you to shift your experience of staleness/burnout into one of enjoyment and satisfaction again. Support, strategy, and mental skills work may be extremely helpful. A neutral party can help sort out struggles such as coach and parent pressure and expectations. Also, the concepts of positive and negative addiction to exercise can be addressed, as well as a full assessment of the variables that may be contributing to the current concern.
Practice “choice,” remember “more than an athlete”
Some suggest that young athletes feel powerless with parents and coaches having so much control over decisions about their lives. There is not enough time with peers outside of sport, injuries or lack of success interfere with quality of life, identity gets wrapped up solely in sport- all of these things may lead to burnout. The suggestion here is to give young athletes more decision making, time outside of sport, and remind them of all the things they are and all the qualities they have aside from athlete related ones.
Practice “support”
Another framework for understanding burnout is that athletes who are prone to burnout feel trapped by the sport (entrapment theory). They lose motivation but continue to participate because they think have to, even if there is some piece of “I want to” as well. Reasons some athletes may feel this way: identity, lack attractive alternatives to sport, believe invested too much time or energy to stop. Suggestions include keep things focused on fun, support the athlete but do not pressure, and make sure athletes have decision making regarding practice and competition.
Practice “choice” and “helpful relationships”
Self determination theory suggests that if autonomy, competence, and relatedness needs are satisfied, athletes will less likely be burned out. So again, decision making should be in the hands of the athlete, coaches/parents/trainers should emphasize what they do well and engage in competence reinforcing behavior, not outcome based reinforcement- praise for what they are doing in the process, not praise for the win. Of utmost importance, athletes need to feel they have supportive relationships that are not tied to how well they perform, and feel loved and accepted even if they don’t perform well.
Additional practices to break burnout:
Communicate, express feelings with coaches/parents/significant other, relationship management
Set short and long term goals for practice and competition
Take breaks, vacations from sport
Self regulation skills: relaxation, imagery, self-talk, realistic goals, thought replacement, helpful vs. unhelpful thoughts
Manage post-competition emotions: be in a supportive atmosphere, be with the team, group activity, stay away from demanding peers/parents, avoid gloating/depressing over a loss, start preparing for next opponent/event at next practice
Eat more carbs, hydrate
Lower intensity of training, stretch
No physical activity, sleep
Massage, bodywork
Conclusion
Athletes may suffer temporarily in the midst of pushing limits and driving to have best performances, engaging in overtraining that leads to improvement. But, too much suffering, crossing the line to the land of negative overtraining, is not helpful to performance and interferes with one’s quality of life. In our search for satisfaction, we find sport, sometimes we need to navigate away from it.
As coaches and parents, we need to be wary of burnout symptoms displayed by youth. As trainers, we can educate clients about positive and negative overtraining. We need to take care of ourselves as athletes, and take better care of those we train or coach because the effects of burnout go beyond sport. We can effectively push, sometimes when we do less of it. Within scientific training recommendations, only the individual can know how much is the right amount of training, intensity, and rest, but they have to be given the option to pay attention to their own bodies and assert decisions on their own behalf. This is so they can enjoy their sport, but it is also for the sake of their relationships with their own selves and the people they want to love.
References:
Weinberg, R. & Gould, D. (2011). Foundations of Sport and Exercise Psychology, (5th Ed.). Human Kinetics: Champaign, IL.
The demands of sport are part of what make it fun and enjoyable, a flow activity. But, demands can become overwhelming. Many coaches have expectations about activity and intensity that create burnout in athletes rather than improved or best performances. A big factor in burnout comes from coach and parent messages, athletes may internalize these and carry them in and out of sport to adulthood. These may include inappropriate expectations and overemphasis on rankings or winning. Pressure, perfectionism, and physical demands of training may lead to physical and psychological stress, and this turns into burnout over time when it is too much for the individual and the stress is unmanaged.
Many of you know burned out athletes, or maybe you are one, yourself. Some current data supports that burnout is experienced by many athletes. Various research studies conclude: 72% of college athletes reported staleness during their seasons, 47% reported burnout at some point during their college sport career; at least 60% of elite distance runners had at least one episode of staleness in their running careers, and 30% of sub-elite but highly trained runners experienced burnout; individual athlete sports may be related to higher levels of burnout than team sports; once you get stale, you are more likely to be stale again; coaches and trainers are at a high risk for burnout, much like the athletes they assist (Weinberg & Gould, 2011). Based on the literature, experience working with athletes, and my own athletic experience, burnout is common. Sport performance suffers- most athletes want to be doing their best, that’s not possible if they’re struggling with burnout. We all want to enjoy ourselves in life, sport is an avenue for that. Without awareness of symptoms that suggest it’s all too much, sport can create more suffering than enjoyment.
So let’s get our terms clear. What exactly are overtraining, staleness, burnout, and related concepts?
Definitions
Individualized Training
One skill that gives an athlete an edge over competitors is arousal management. Athletes that can manage their energy, being aware of what is just the right amount of excitement, the right amount of calm and relaxation, at the right times, will be able to channel energy into their performance in a way that enhances it. For example, some athletes need to be very cool and quiet prior to competition, some need to talk and be loud and move around a lot. Each has an optimal level of arousal that readies them to perform at their best. Similar to this, managing energy in terms of practice sessions and training is equally important. What is negative overtraining for one athlete, may be an optimal training zone for another. This is why it is so important for parents, coaches, and trainers to individualize training programs- some athletes will need more rest than others in order to have optimal performances. The individual athlete has to have a say about activity level and intensity.
Periodized training
This is the strategy of engaging in high volume and high intensity training loads, followed by lower training loads, a.k.a. rest or taper. The goal is to condition oneself so that performance peaks at a specific date or time frame, for a race or competition. The trick is to slowly increase the load so that optimal adaptation occurs and injury and staleness do not. For those who may be negatively addicted (see definition below) to exercise, tapering and rest may be very difficult.
Overtraining
A few days to a few weeks of excessive training loads that are at or near maximal capacity, max efforts. Overload creates adaptation, after rest and recovery, resulting in more strength or fitness and improved performance. If training volume is too much, if there’s too much stress (constant soreness, negative coaching behavior, parental pressure, work stress, family issues, etc.), or lack of rest, overtraining will instead lead to deteriorated performance. So overloading can lead to gains or losses in performance, as well as no changes at all. Negative overtraining first leads to staleness, then to burnout. The right amount of overtraining varies highly by the individual, so what leads to improved performance for one athlete, may decrease another’s.
Positive vs. negative exercise addiction
Positive exercise addiction means one incorporates fitness into a daily routine and this enhances quality of life, while not interfering with other important things such as family, relationships, work, etc. Some refer to it as a “healthy habit.” Negative addiction to exercise means one is consumed by exercise and fitness at the expense of well being. An exercise addict will continue exercise activity even when injury could be made worse, and when it is interfering with work and social relationships to the extent that everything “takes a backseat” to the exercise. There is tolerance and withdrawal, for example longer and longer distances in running to get the same feeling, and mood disorder symptoms present when one has to stop temporarily (i.e., injury, taper, rest). Tension, restless, irritable, depressed, relationship problems, and guilt may be present when someone who is negatively addicted to exercise can’t exercise. These athletes are usually aware that they have a compulsion to workout.
Staleness- “I’m tired, I can’t seem to get the job done in the last few games/races.”
Stale means having a hard time training in the usual way, performance is suffering. It usually results from overtraining, coincides with a reduction in performance for 2 weeks or more, and fails to improve even after short term breaks or reduced intensity training. The main behavioral sign of staleness is impaired performance. The main psychological symptoms include disturbance in mood (angry, irritable, flat, lethargic) and increase in perceptual effort during exercise. Practice and fitness seem harder than they used to be. Symptoms of depression may be present.
Signs and Symptoms of Staleness:
Poor performance, apathy, lethargy, sleep disturbance, weight loss, elevated resting heart rate/blood pressure, muscle pain or soreness, mood changes, GI disturbances, slow recovery from exertion, loss appetite, overuse injuries, immune system deficiency/getting colds more frequently, loss of concentration
Burnout- “Don’t want to do it, don’t like it, and leave me alone.”
Physical, emotional, and social withdrawal from a formerly enjoyable activity signify burnout is on the scene. It’s characterized by exhaustion, reduced sense of accomplishment, and devaluing the sport of choice. Chronic stress due to an imbalance in what is expected of the athlete and their real or perceived capability is related to burnout as well as changes in motivational orientations. People experience a loss of energy, loss of interest in things, low job productivity, feeling like a failure, depression, emotional numbness. They tend to stop caring about the sport and what is important to them within it.
There appear to be 2 strains of burnout: 1) social psychological- athlete perfectionism or situational pressures/other pressure are the big factors. Stress results from expectations to win in an effort to please others and feel worthy; 2) physically driven- just can’t meet the demands of physical training, leading to physical and psychological stress, and then burnout.
Signs and symptoms of Burnout:
Low motivation/energy, concentration problems, loss of desire to play/practice/train, lack of caring, sleep disturbance, physical and mental exhaustion, lowered self-esteem, negative affect, mood changes, substance abuse/more drinking than usual, changes in values/beliefs, emotional isolation/social withdrawal, increased anxiety, more highs and lows than usual
Case Study- Darla S.
Double axel, camel spins, pairs lifts, tango dance routines. I was a competitive artistic rollerskater from the time I was 7 yrs. old until I retired at the ripe old age of 16. My practice schedule was daily, right after school until 7 p.m. Weekends were filled with practice- midnight to noon sessions on both Saturday and Sunday, sometimes a little shorter, sometimes with afternoon practices added. With such a high volume of intense training, I can speak from experience about how negative overtraining leads to burnout. I remember feeling it at the age of 8.
In my skating days, I spent a lot of time in burnout mode. More breaks from burnout may have helped me be a better skater and maybe I wouldn’t have hung up my skates in the way I did, totally cut off. Aside from the effects on my sport performance, my understanding of relationships was also impacted by the experience of unattended burnout. I share this to show an example of how sports, coaches, and burnout impact youth development and athletes into adulthood, beyond sport performance. So, yes, the effect of burnout on sport performance is clear and important to monitor, but it can have some other far reaching effects.
My youth was almost entirely spent practicing a sport for which I really had little love. I remember many discussions about “quitting” for various reasons along the way- financial, coaching issues, etc. The toll that the years of intensive training took on me was physical and emotional as I consistently got the message, “Keep going, no matter what.” The power of this pattern of thinking in my sport experience groomed my discipline and perseverance. But it also led me to engage in relationships about practicing and working hard, whether there was true love there or not, whether it was good for me or not. I have been in relationships where I felt like (gasp) a “quitter” if I wanted to end the relationship, rather than see that it’s ok to retire and even quit something that’s not good for me. The “never quit” aspect of skating in formative years translated to my frame around relationships- suffer and work hard no matter what, keep going. I believe this stemmed not only from high volume, negative overload training, but from the relationship that I was in with my coach, full of pressure to continue with skating and with him as my coach, despite the suffering.
Burnout in sport clearly grows within the context of relationships, whether it’s a relationship with coach, parent, the self. When the focus is overly placed on externals (winning, performance, training), at the expense of internals (satisfaction, enjoyment, competence, choice)- these can exacerbate the drain on the athlete’s energy and strain the relationship. Intimate partners, like athletes and their sport, function well when they are together out of choice, rather than feel they are trapped and have to remain together. There needs to be a dialogue among all parties occurring, asking, “What do we need to do to best support this particular athlete, at this particular time?” that includes the athlete and the potential to choose to exit or change the relationship with the sport in terms of its intensity.
Being able to assert when I want to work hard, when I need to rest, when I want to stop altogether is a valuable lesson that I learned after years of experience of pushing through burnout. By giving youth more control over their experience, they can notice and appreciate their limits, while still pushing them for better performance. This translates into multiple life lessons, one of which is learning to pay attention to individual needs and asserting those as important, rather than perhaps, keep going at all costs, including personal well being. “No pain, no gain” is distorted thinking.
The Practice of Breaking Burnout
Burnout occurs over time and it is something that can be reversed. Here are some suggestions for how to address it.
Get some help, “coaching”
It can be difficult to figure out if burnout exists because of your sport or other things in your life, past or present. Depression and/or anxiety may pre-date the burnout or they may be a symptom of it. Talking with a professional who can help sort out the variables involved can potentially help you to shift your experience of staleness/burnout into one of enjoyment and satisfaction again. Support, strategy, and mental skills work may be extremely helpful. A neutral party can help sort out struggles such as coach and parent pressure and expectations. Also, the concepts of positive and negative addiction to exercise can be addressed, as well as a full assessment of the variables that may be contributing to the current concern.
Practice “choice,” remember “more than an athlete”
Some suggest that young athletes feel powerless with parents and coaches having so much control over decisions about their lives. There is not enough time with peers outside of sport, injuries or lack of success interfere with quality of life, identity gets wrapped up solely in sport- all of these things may lead to burnout. The suggestion here is to give young athletes more decision making, time outside of sport, and remind them of all the things they are and all the qualities they have aside from athlete related ones.
Practice “support”
Another framework for understanding burnout is that athletes who are prone to burnout feel trapped by the sport (entrapment theory). They lose motivation but continue to participate because they think have to, even if there is some piece of “I want to” as well. Reasons some athletes may feel this way: identity, lack attractive alternatives to sport, believe invested too much time or energy to stop. Suggestions include keep things focused on fun, support the athlete but do not pressure, and make sure athletes have decision making regarding practice and competition.
Practice “choice” and “helpful relationships”
Self determination theory suggests that if autonomy, competence, and relatedness needs are satisfied, athletes will less likely be burned out. So again, decision making should be in the hands of the athlete, coaches/parents/trainers should emphasize what they do well and engage in competence reinforcing behavior, not outcome based reinforcement- praise for what they are doing in the process, not praise for the win. Of utmost importance, athletes need to feel they have supportive relationships that are not tied to how well they perform, and feel loved and accepted even if they don’t perform well.
Additional practices to break burnout:
Communicate, express feelings with coaches/parents/significant other, relationship management
Set short and long term goals for practice and competition
Take breaks, vacations from sport
Self regulation skills: relaxation, imagery, self-talk, realistic goals, thought replacement, helpful vs. unhelpful thoughts
Manage post-competition emotions: be in a supportive atmosphere, be with the team, group activity, stay away from demanding peers/parents, avoid gloating/depressing over a loss, start preparing for next opponent/event at next practice
Eat more carbs, hydrate
Lower intensity of training, stretch
No physical activity, sleep
Massage, bodywork
Conclusion
Athletes may suffer temporarily in the midst of pushing limits and driving to have best performances, engaging in overtraining that leads to improvement. But, too much suffering, crossing the line to the land of negative overtraining, is not helpful to performance and interferes with one’s quality of life. In our search for satisfaction, we find sport, sometimes we need to navigate away from it.
As coaches and parents, we need to be wary of burnout symptoms displayed by youth. As trainers, we can educate clients about positive and negative overtraining. We need to take care of ourselves as athletes, and take better care of those we train or coach because the effects of burnout go beyond sport. We can effectively push, sometimes when we do less of it. Within scientific training recommendations, only the individual can know how much is the right amount of training, intensity, and rest, but they have to be given the option to pay attention to their own bodies and assert decisions on their own behalf. This is so they can enjoy their sport, but it is also for the sake of their relationships with their own selves and the people they want to love.
References:
Weinberg, R. & Gould, D. (2011). Foundations of Sport and Exercise Psychology, (5th Ed.). Human Kinetics: Champaign, IL.
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